The Dirt Field

1. Curb my rampant road rage. If I’ve never run you off the road using only my high beams, my middle finger, and a string of four letter words that would make a sailor blush, chances are we’ve never been on the same road simultaneously. However, when I nearly give a poor old man a heart attack by making him wonder if I’m going to climb through his window and kill him with my spindly arms, it forces me to realize that maybe I should just relax a little.

2. Clip my dog’s toenails on a more regular basis. This may seem trivial, but it has been months since his last nail clipping, and his feet look like little porcupines. Before you shout animal abuse, realize that nail clipping is the one thing that turns my normally sweet little puppy into a rabid hyena, and that for every nail I try to clip, I risk losing a finger. He has eighteen toenails, I have ten fingers. You do the math.

3. Eat at least one vegetable a day. Can tea be considered a vegetable? I mean, at one point, those leaves were green. What about chocolate? It’s made from beans, right?

4. Learn to do laundry properly. I don’t sort my laundry prior to washing it. Dark blue towels, white wool sweaters, cotton sheets, and silk tank tops all go into one load with a heaping scoop of detergent. As a result, all of my clothing starts to look the same…my towels become flat like my jeans, my sweaters pill like my towels, and my whites become suspiciously colorful. And dry clean only? That’s just a suggestion. Who says you can’t stick a suit in the washing machine?

5. Pay off my credit card by the end of the year. Not a chance. Most people have dreams about winning the lottery or flying or being eaten by a werewolf; I dreamed that I was in the Chanel store buying purses and keychains.