When it comes to music preferences, I love Rufus Wainwright, Radiohead, Elliott Smith, Gomez, and a whole library of artists that would not be featured on a typical top-40 station. If you take a word and stick “The” in front, I will probably like their music (The Fratellis, The New Pornographers, The Like, The Black Keys, The Sounds, etc). When somebody asks what I listen to, I smugly answer “alternative” or, when I want to feel hip and edgy, “indie rock”. I scoff at fans of Katy Perry or Ke$ha. “What obvious drivel,” I think with a self-satisfied smile as I flip to an obscure song by Of Montreal.
This is not the case while on a bicycle. When I have headphones in on a ride (blah blah blah, you can scold me all you want, my music is too loud to hear you anyway), I am listening to music most suited to high school homecoming dances. If you ask me what’s playing, I will avoid the question or flat-out refuse to answer, but the truth is, it’s probably some brilliance by Flo Rida, Pitbull, David Guetta, or the like. It’s motivating, it’s catchy, and best of all, it’s highly informative.
Ten Truths I Have Learned About Life From Pop Music:
1. The only things worth living for happen at night, once the sun has gone down, in the dark. The sooner you can hit the lights, the better.
2. The three-second rule does not apply, as the more time spent “on da floor”, the better.
3. If you are female, you need to be “bad”, “a wild one”, “dirrrrrty”, or some variation therein, or you might as well not exist at all. Sources have not yet determined, however, whether it is preferable to be a girl or a women. It is best to be prepared to respond to either.
4. There is never a word that cannot be made at least three syllables longer than originally intended (i.e., “beach” becomes “be-ee-ee-ee-ach”)
5. It really is a small world after all. South Beach, NYC, Brazil, Miami, Morocco, Australia – you will want to discuss your visits to these places and more all in one breath. Not to worry about travel time, though; with your G6, you cross the globe in no time at all.
6. There is no number except number one. You want to be number one, refer to yourself as number one, be somebody’s number one. Unless you are trying to tell somebody you don’t care, in which case you are permitted to say you do not give a “number two”.
7. Gangstas be frequently poppin’ bottles, but gangstas do not apparently deal with hangovers, bar tabs, DUIs, or cirrhosis of the liver. There are also no repercussions to those many times you “lose control” or “lose yourself”, so you are encouraged to do so early and often.
8. If you do not wake up and immediately go to the club, you might as well have stayed in bed. While you may be tempted to regularly ask “where my boyz at”/”where my girlz at”, look no further, as the answer is clearly “in da club” or “on da floor”.
9. No sentiment is sweeter than when uttered through Auto-Tune.
10. Eating disorders need to be a thing of the past, as all men prefer curves, a booty, apple-bottom jeans, etc.