“I quit drinking for a year and a half after I blacked out on Capitol Hill—I vaguely recall arguing with a cop and weepily hugging a tree in the rain and waking up in the International District with no shoes.”
“Make yourself puke if you’re too drunk. True, sticking a finger down your throat is momentarily…uncomfortable… but sometimes a little Karen Carpentry averts mountains of pain in the morning.”
“Don’t drink things that are flavors of Kool-Aid. Which means cosmopolitans and lemon drops and other slutty drinks—including Southern Comfort, which exists solely to get 14-year-olds pregnant.”
“Since no one taught you how to talk people into sleeping with you, boys and girls, you may be fuzzy on exactly what consent is (“Yes, I’d love to sleep with you!”) and is not (“Dude, she passed out!”).”
“As most folks know, drinking a glass (or several) of fine champagne on New Year’s Eve makes for an enchanted evening with friends. But chugging a bottle of Cooks over a TV dinner while watching Schindler’s List will give you nightmares and a migraine.”