Overheard
"I mean, how do you not notice a cat in the dryer? Wouldn't it make a lot of noise?"
Wrong In Many Ways
"My roommate's ex-girlfriend got hit by a Hertz bus at work the other day," I mentioned to my coworker.He laughed. "I'll bet it hurts." And then, "Too bad it wasn't a Painless bus."
48 Hours Of Conversational Gold
"So do you think that hourly rate is per person, as in 'I'd like to hire three people at that rate to trim my tree?'""No, I think it's more of a 'Here's my tree; trim it.'"***"I accidentally peed on my face. If you need me, I'll be scrubbing my face with bleach."***"Do I look okay?""No, not at all. Your hair is frizzy and you look like you've gained weight."***"Very professional outfit you're wearing today. Do you always dress so haphazardly?"***"Have fun sperm shopping."***"How did the meeting go? Did the Aleve help?""It certainly did. And I didn't even cry or throw up on the client."***"I cut my boyfriend's hair and it looked great. So his roommate, who was always really rude to me, asked if I would cut his hair as well. I happily agreed and then butchered him, blaming the disastrous cut it on his unruly hair. He had to ...continue reading.
In Need of Dust
When I was in high school, I worked at a small pet store that carried a wide assortment of animals, including the occasional chinchilla. These small squirrel-like animals have delightfully soft fur that feels marvelous if you stuff one under your shirt or down your pants. I'm kidding. In actuality, it probably would be fairly enjoyable, but I've never tried. The inappropriate factor aside, chinchillas have sharp rodent teeth that make nestling one next to tender parts of your anatomy a poor idea.I'm getting off topic.My favorite thing about these chinchillas was that they required regular dust baths. You'd find a dish roughly the size of a dinner plate, fill it with special chinchilla dust, and drop in the little animal. Within a moment, the chinchilla begins to writhe frantically in the dust, flipping and diving until the dust has removed all traces of oil and moisture from its fur. ...continue reading.
Because You Asked…
Yes, that is my foot in the picture. I'd like to say it is actually the foot of a long-toed sloth or perhaps another person's hand, but unfortunately, that appendage is all mine. I used to be very shy about my overly long and crooked toes, but now I bare them with pride and dignity. And while people are often alarmed when they first catch a glimpse of my huge, pale feet with the octopus tentacles hanging off, their fear turns to laughter when I play them a concerto on the piano using only my toes.
I cried at my desk today.
Before you start assuming that I was being a "typical female" who cried after a silly dispute with a coworker or a reprimand from her boss, let me stop you. I don't cry in those situations; I just go home, crack open a keg, and forget about my day. And my name. The reason for my tears was a far more desolate moment: I was forced to discuss the Twilight Zone episode "Time Enough At Last" with my coworker and boss.In case you are unaware, this is the plot of the episode:"Henry Bemis can never find the time to read. He can't read at home or at work because both his wife and boss think reading is a waste of time. At one point his wife, as a cruel joke, asks Henry to read her poems from a book. He is very pleased that she has asked him to do ...continue reading.