My First Visit To The ABC Store
I was enamored with the cute little bottles and the exciting flavors, so I bought one of everything.
Largely Disturbing.
The website I use to track visitor statistics shows search terms that were used to access my blog. In the past forty-eight hours, somebody Googled "horse sex" and was linked to my site. I'm not sure which part of that is more alarming: the fact that they were looking for such a thing, or the fact that Google believed my site might actually provide an answer to such a query.But speaking of horse sex (I've waited all my life to say that), does anyone recall the story last summer about the man in Seattle who died after having relations with a horse? As evidenced by this passage from an article on MSNBC.com, it was not actually prohibited at the time: "Although sex with animals is not illegal in Washington state, Sgt. John Urquhart said that investigators were looking into whether the farm, located in Enumclaw, 40 miles southeast of Seattle, ...continue reading.
I have found a role model.
"Alan Abel (b. 1930) is an American prankster, writer, mockumentary filmmaker, and jazz percussionist famous for several hoaxes that became minor media circuses. One of Abel's earliest pranks took place in the late 1950s. Abel posed as a golf pro who taught Westinghouse executives how to use ballet positions to improve their game. Beginning May 27, 1959 with a story on the Today Show, the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals (SINA), was Abel's longest-running and most elaborate hoax. SINA's mission was to clothe naked animals throughout the world. Their best-known tagline was "A Nude Horse is a Rude Horse". As spokesman for the group, actor Buck Henry appeared on television and radio numerous times, including the CBS Evening News on August 21, 1962. The hoax began as a satire of media censorship but took on a life of its own with sympathizers offering unsolicited contributions (always returned), citizen summonses ...continue reading.
Smart Tag will probably kill you.
It has come to my attention that Smart Tag is evil. Although it seems harmlessly helpful, there is nothing more menacing than that little white plastic box affixed to your windshield.First of all, Smart Tag is guaranteed to ruin your life. I got my Smart Tag to expedite my commute to work, and within a week, I lost my job. My best friend got a Smart Tag to use when driving to her boyfriend's house, and within days, the relationship crumbled. Sure, you save time at the toll booth and you don't have to fumble for loose change, but in return, you will lose your friends, your job, and your happiness.Secondly, Smart Tag leads you to waste your hard-earned money. When you are forced to throw cold, hard cash into the little toll basket, you can truly appreciate how expensive it is to use that stretch of road. But when ...continue reading.
I have new performance goals!
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations:1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be."4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."11. "A ...continue reading.
If you don’t get it, you don’t get it. Also known as the Holler Scholar! post.
Needed: A Replacement for 'Pimp'By Jabari AsimThe Washington PostThursday, March 9, 2006The best thing about Three 6 Mafia winning an Oscar for Best Song is the likelihood of "pimp" losing its luster of hipness.While the prospect of previously oblivious whites adopting the word is a nauseating probability, the mainstreaming of "pimp" should reduce its popularity in the black communities where it first shucked its cobwebs and regained its currency. Its anticipated lapse in popularity creates an opportunity to suggest new lingo to my fellow African-American city dwellers, who often originate the nation's catchiest slang.My first suggestion: "scholar."Imagine yourself amid all the men who used to gather aimlessly on street corners, lounge on the steps of other people's houses and hang out with the rest of the worshipful congregations outside package liquor stores -- all of you deeply absorbed in library books.Except you can top them all by trundling down the ...continue reading.