The Scoop on Poop

Posted on by lindsay
Until recently, I was a firm believer in the idea that I was actually doing a service by leaving my dog's droppings where they could fertilize the grass/sidewalk/neighbor's garden. I mean, hasn't anybody ever heard of the circle of life? But after receiving a notice on the door of my house and seeing a new sign posted in my neighborhood warning against not curbing your pet, I have started collecting Kobe's poop in plastic bags on our morning walks.However, I am strongly averse to the idea of wrapping my hand around a fresh pile, plastic bag or not, so I've developed a foolproof system. When Kobe starts squatting and frantically circling, I chase him around with the bag, position it open under his butt, and catch his droppings. Then I simply close up the bag, tie it off, and die of humiliation at the realization that people in their houses ...continue reading.

Have Decided To Stop Being Lazy

Posted on by lindsay
I know I have not been writing on here very often lately, but I just haven't had the motivation, what with work and other things going on in my life. My goal is to make each post something I can reread a year from now without cringing, and I know that if I force out some fluffy crap strictly for the sake of posting, my eyes will bleed when I go back and review what I've written. Therefore, I just wait until the urge moves me, the time presents itself, and the stars align perfectly, and THEN I post.It seems like such a lame excuse to play the Work Is So Hard, Poor Me card, but it really has been a bit of a bitch lately. My boss came to me a few weeks ago and informed me that they were going to hire another person to relieve some of ...continue reading.

On Family Ties

Posted on by lindsay
Ever since I started my new job back in December, my already limp post-college social life has come to a grinding halt. I used to see friends a few times a week and leave the house occasionally for purposes other than work or errands, but now I spend all day at the office, crawl home through miserable traffic, and sloth around the house until bedtime. My only companion is my friend Henry; we spend hours together each night in my room, sitting together quietly and enjoying each other's company. Henry is my space heater.Last night was no different. It had been a long day at work and, knowing that I'd be driving The Landlord to the airport this morning at six o'clock, I'd planned to spend the night in. While cleaning the house, I found a book entitled "The Experts' Guide To 100 Things Everyone Should Know" and decided that ...continue reading.

Handfuls of Love

Posted on by lindsay
My dog and I stopped by my parents' house this afternoon to pick up some mail. After being there for a while, Kobe started getting frisky and running around the living room and dining room in circles, obviously wanting to play. I started chasing him and was immediately joined by my father, who incited Kobe to excited hysteria. So much so, in fact, that Kobe ran halfway up the steps to the landing, squatted, and started to poop.I panicked. My parents are not the type who want animals defecating on their carpets.Without a moment of hesitation, I lunged forward, threw myself on the stairs, cupped my hands under his butt, and caught the whole mess. All of it. Every last piece.I've never been more horrified in my life. You think you're disgusted right now? Try being me. Just try. Or even try being my shocked and revolted father, who disdainfully ...continue reading.

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Fur!

Posted on by lindsay
I gave Kobe a bath last night. This is in no way remarkable, except for the fact at (A) I chose to do so on the night when The Landlord was courting a lady friend with a home-cooked meal, and (B) Kobe chose that time to go bald.Because of the public nature of this website, I generally decline to discuss other people's personal matters, so I won't elaborate further on The Landlord's date. Suffice to say that his idea of romance probably did not include me in the next room attempting to brush my crying dog's teeth while Matty played "Let's Get It On" in hopes of speeding along the evening. Unfortunately, Kobe's breath smelled like he'd gargled garbage, and a toothbrushing is always followed by a bath. You'd make that a rule too if you brushed someone's teeth who insisted on squirming and smearing beef-flavored toothpaste all over his ...continue reading.