Everything hurts but I am not dying

Posted on by Lindsay
It's been a week and I survived. When everything fell apart, there were honestly moments when I didn't want to survive. I didn't want to have to live with the pain until it finally passed, and felt hugely overwhelmed by the work of dismantling a life on one side of the country and restarting on the other side. The last thing you want to think about when your heart is obliterated and pounding through your veins like broken glass is "I hope there are enough boxes in the building's recycling bin for me to pack up my kitchen." (There was definitely a moment when I climbed halfway into one of those huge rolling dumpsters to grab the last empty box at the bottom. I can laugh about this now.) In the past week, I've ended my life in Seattle and moved-cross country, settled into my room at Chez Bayer, and spent ...continue reading.

On heartbreak and starting over from zero

Posted on by Lindsay
Something about what he said stuck out, like a nubby loose thread on an otherwise tightly knit sweater. I couldn't let it go, poking and fussing at it. I never expected that with a single tug, the entire thing would unravel. A week ago, I was in Korea riding through the mountains. My life had been shifting and changing dramatically for the previous six months, but I loved where it was going. I was in love with a man and his little girl, running the team but stepping away from the obligations of training and racing, planning for grad school and to become a mother. I had finally relaxed my rules enough to start truly living every day. Whatever unknown remained, I knew it was going to be exciting. A week later, I am driving to Virginia to live with my parents. My life is packed into the same car that ...continue reading.

For Helen

Posted on by Lindsay
My friend died today. I knew this was coming - she has been losing a fight with cancer - and I have been waiting for the phone call for several days now. This friend, Helen, is a dear friend of my family and I was expecting (dreading) a call from them back in Virginia to tell me the sad news. Waiting for the phone to ring with bad news is a terrible feeling; yesterday I thought about hiding my phone so I wouldn't have to face it, but that doesn't actually stop life from going forward. Or death. My alarm went off at 6:55am today, slicing through my pitch-black room and sound sleep to wake me up for a 7am work teleconference. I was barely awake as I dialed in and then while waiting for the call to start, Andrew texted: "Hi." I responded, whining immediately about being exhausted and on a call. Andrew ...continue reading.

That time I was swept away by a tsunami of man and bike

Posted on by Lindsay
Hello from the off season! Everything is going really well here. Wait, no. That is a lie. Much like every road in the city of Seattle, things are continually up and down. Sometimes life is peachy and I'm living the dream and other times I would very much like to wake up already, damnit. That shift usually occurs several times before noon each day. I went on a great ride last week. By great I mean "possibly, if not likely, the worst ride of my entire cycling career" but in retrospect it was at least memorable. My training plan called for a three-hour endurance ride and, because my legs were crap and I was exhausted, I decided to plan a chill ride exploring West Seattle for several hours. No pressure, no big efforts, just some quality time on the bike seeing the town. Then it rained. It was very windy by ...continue reading.

On Handling Bad Times Like A Pro Or Something

Posted on by Lindsay
Things have been unraveling since I slammed into the ground during the first North Star Grand Prix crit on June 15. When the crash happened and I was cleared by the hospital and the stage was neutralized, I went back into the race the following day like nothing had gone wrong. I did that stage and all the others after it, limping along stubbornly and pushing my body so hard. There was no logic in what I was doing but I couldn't stop and wouldn't let anybody around me say otherwise. That mindset is my greatest gift and curse as an athlete - I never stop. But I should have. Then, or in the days after, but I didn't. I tried to race and then started another cross-country drive out west. I called that drive my "time off" but who the hell is ridiculous enough to think driving 5-6 hours a ...continue reading.

In which I uprooted my life and moved into my car

Posted on by Lindsay
I'm sitting in a stranger's living room now, doing my laundry in his washer with my feet up on his ottoman. I've never met the guy before but I'm going to sleep in his bed tonight and go through his cabinets to find a pot to boil water in the morning. After breakfast, I'm going to pack up my things, get in my car, and relocate for the weekend to another city I've never visited. This is basically my every day. Tonight it's Cory's house, last night it was Chelsie's, for a week before that it was Ayman's, before that it was Angie, and Alice, and Gretchen and so on. The year started with me living in a studio in Tucson that I was subletting from a guy I never met named.....David? Michael? Can't recall. But for three months, I used his dishes and sheets and towels, lounged on his ...continue reading.