Tipping The Scales

Posted on by lindsay
I've been to a lot of interviews lately, and there have definitely been ones where I've realized almost immediately that I'd rather become a prostitute/starve/die before taking the job. The jobs are either incredibly boring and mundane or the people are dry and humorless, but either way, I instantly begin praying that they will choose somebody else. When I shared these feelings with my father today, he gave me some helpful questions to pose during the interview that are guaranteed to decrease my chances of being hired:1. Will the insurance cover my pre-existing STDs?2. Is it difficult to enroll in the lunchtime AA meetings? Because the twelve steps have really helped me lay off the nose candy.3. What sort of benefits can I reap from the Employee Assistance Program?4. How many days will I get off each year? What about sick leave?5. Do you have an existing drug treatment program?Caitlin ...continue reading.

He Called It Pragmatism

Posted on by lindsay
Dad: "I'm looking at your budget here, and I see one big expense that is not truly necessary. The dog."Lindsay: "I could never get rid of him! He's a dog, not a designer purse!"Dad: "We're being realistic here. You need to make sacrifices."Lindsay: "I'd rather sever my right leg!"Dad: "Your right leg isn't costing you anything."Lindsay: "But he's my best friend!"Dad: "Your best friend is very expensive. And he's going to die in ten years."Lindsay: Horror. Silence.

Be Careful What You Wish For.

Posted on by lindsay
While driving home from dinner at my parents' house with Paul last night, I wistfully looked out at the torrential downpour and remarked, "I really feel like just laying outside in the rain." At the time, it just sounded pleasant and relaxing - and also not something that I was actually going to do.Shortly after making that comment, we came to a blocked section of the road that forced us to take a detour. I chose to take a road that runs parallel to Route 50 in order to bypass multiple traffic lights, and was almost home when I plowed into a puddle. The puddle turned out to be a lake, and my car died immediately. (In my defense, it was dark and it was pouring, so I couldn't really see far enough ahead to detect the depth of the water.) I was unconcerned at first, until I rolled down ...continue reading.

Another Night Where I Am Forced To Conclude That My Parents’ Friends Are Too Cool For Me

Posted on by lindsay
I have always wanted to try Marrakesh in DC (Morrocan cuisine), and I received an invite to join my parents' neighbors for dinner last night in the place of my mother who was sick. It was an excellent evening that involved fantastic food, a belly dancer, and enough wine to drown an elephant. I'm ashamed to say that I don't really remember leaving the restaurant, and once my father dropped me off at home, I slid into a fully-dressed pile on the floor and slept for three hours with my face smashed into the carpet. That aside, I highly recommend the place - it was an amazing experience.

Email from the Inlaws to the Kids:

Posted on by lindsay
Thank you for the super 37th anniversary dinner last night. We really appreciated the sentiment, the outstanding food, and the great company. We need to celebrate these milestones now, because in a few years you'll have to chew my food for me.All our love, Mom and Dad

Well, OBVIOUSLY.

Posted on by lindsay
My mother in law is well-acquainted with my lack of culinary skills. While I see it is an unwillingness, she views it is an inability that merely needs to be corrected. So tonight, after I complimented her on the mashed potatoes she was making, she called me over to see how it was done. Assuming I knew the basics, she showed me the butter and the milk she was mixing in, and concluded her instructions.Then, as I stared down into the blantantly smooth, white potatoes, I asked stupidly, "So do you peel the potatoes first?"She looked at me blankly. "Yes," she replied slowly, answering what had to have been the most obvious question ever. Realizing what she was working with here, she restarted her instructions."First you peel the potatoes, and then you cube them. Then you boil them until they are soft, and then you mash them with the beaters, ...continue reading.