Pops and Pups

Posted on by lindsay
I'm going on a road trip this weekend, so I called my parents to ask if they'd watch my dog for me. My mother told me that she was going out of town on a business trip, but that my father would be more than happy to spend the weekend with Kobe. Now, I'll be the first one to say that my father is exceptionally capable, brilliant, loving, and amusing. He was the one who taught me to fish and shoot when I was a little girl, and the one who always drove the exciting car and wore cowboy boots and a matching hat. But he's a dad, not a mom, and certain everyday tasks related to raising children are a mystery to him. I remember one picture day back in elementary school when my mother was out of town; my father spent ages torturing my long, blond hair into ...continue reading.

Notable Things That Have Happened This Week About Which I Have Been Too Lazy To Write

Posted on by lindsay
- There was a television show filmed at my house the other day. I guess I'll write a little more about that when I'm feeling a bit more motivated. So that'll be, like, ten years from now.- My dog threw up on my bed and my carpet while I was at work yesterday. It was that bright yellow bile that is a byproduct of not eating, something that Kobe does on purpose when he is irritated that I have not quit my job to pet him full time.- I have worn the same exact pair of jeans to work every day this week. Nobody has said anything yet; thus, I will wear them tomorrow as well.- My father informed me that my Fredericks of Hollywood catalog was waiting for me at their house. They're those people that sell movie supplies to film crews, right? Because if not, that might be ...continue reading.

And the iron fist of justice rests again.

Posted on by lindsay
My mother picked me up from work last Friday and drove with me to Philadelphia for the weekend. While we did plan to spend time shopping, bonding, and wandering around the city, my foremost reason for this trip was that silly little trespassing charge I'd mentioned back in October. (Oops.) In order to have that charge dismissed and expunged entirely, I had to attend a three hour behavior class on Saturday morning. The class was more fun than I could ever have imagined. There were probably about two hundred other scholars in attendance, and I believe that at least 80% of them were probably Harvard graduates or at least Yale alums. Most of my classmates seemed to have a minimal understanding of hygiene, as evidenced by the odor in the room that left me wondering if I was at risk for some rare form of lung cancer, but they were ...continue reading.

Shit Happened

Posted on by lindsay
At my aunt's house on Christmas Eve, a cousin that I had not seen since the previous Christmas and with whom I have no personal relationship looked over at me while I was stuffing truffles into my face and snidely asked, "What happened?" I knew she was asking about my marriage, but I couldn't believe she had the audacity to be so rude, and what was that about people living in glass houses not throwing stones anyway? I stammered out a response that clearly was not to her satisfaction, as she actually asked AGAIN, prompting me to snap something about minding her own business, grab my purse, and flee.But although rude, her question was fairly valid, not just in terms of my marriage but also in relation to the entire year. I can say with confidence that 2006 sucked. I was charged with reckless driving, I was arrested for trespassing, ...continue reading.

Because My Mother Still Believes Santa Claus Is Real

Posted on by lindsay
"Santa Claus came last night and left some gifties under the tree!'"Mom, how does Santa Claus get through the plate glass that covers the front of the fireplace?""Well, he drinks a magic potion that allows him to slip right through it.""Okay, but then why has nobody ever shot him, thinking that he was a burgular?""Santa Claus is surrounded by a magic aura of happiness and good feelings, and he sprinkles magic dust on your brain that makes you feel good things and not be scared.""So Santa Claus poisons you in your sleep? Sounds nice. But really, why has nobody pumped him full of shotgun rounds the second he drops into their fireplace?""He has a special suit made by the NRA to protect him; it's one of a kind and very valuable.""We need to work on this story before you have grandchildren."***I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Merry Christmas!

Oh, gross.

Posted on by lindsay
I called my father tonight to discuss a few things, including a number of job openings I am interested in at a former company of his and his offer to help deliver my old bed from his house to my house. As the conversation was coming to a close, I mentioned something that I wanted his help on, to which he replied, "We can talk about it when we get together on the bed."Long pause."Uh, that sounded sort of wrong," he said, laughing a bit."I know what you meant," I replied quickly. "We can discuss the different positions then as well."Long pause."I think this conversation is taking a turn for the worse."