Fowl Play

Posted on by lindsay
For Mother's Day yesterday, I'd originally planned to take my mother for a drive in the countryside, followed by a picnic and a hike. After all, nothing says "Thanks for giving me life and raising me for over twenty years!" like a few hours in the car and a case of poison ivy. However, I awoke yesterday morning to discover that it was not only cool and windy, but also that my allergies were so bad that relief only came in the form of scrubbing my eyeballs with sandpaper. This forced us to rethink our plans and, not surprisingly, we ended up in a restaurant sipping cocktails through the afternoon. [I just noticed that almost all of my stories end with some variation of "...and then I started drinking." Which is really fine by me, except when I'm telling stories about client meetings or things that happened in the early ...continue reading.

Motherly Love

Posted on by lindsay
The other night at a dinner party, my mother and I were discussing events from my childhood. Back in those days, when I was young and easily manipulated, my mom would convince me to try all sorts of things that she thought would be fun. I auditioned for plays and shows, performed in every talent show I could, and wore clashing neon colors with alarming regularity.Something in our conversation reminded me of the time she had me audition to be a dancer in the International Children's Festival at Wolf Trap, and I decided to ask her about it. My recollection of the experience was that I was the youngest person at the audition, and that everyone around me was able to learn the steps so quickly, while I was bouncing around jerkily three steps behind the other dancers. I remember it as being a very painful experience, and apparently that ...continue reading.

Benign Thoughts

Posted on by lindsay
My aunt was diagnosed with cancer last week, and although the overall prognosis is quite good, she still needs to have surgery. That's happening today.I don't know if this is really a subject my family wants posted on the Internet, but I think cancer is something that has touched or will touch everyone at some point in their life, so why not talk about it? I'll be perfectly honest - I'm terrified of cancer. Every single person in my family that I know of has died of cancer. No fiery car wrecks, no sudden strokes, no tropical diseases. Just great big servings of cancer for everyone. I've already put a down payment on my headstone and told them they can go ahead and engrave it with "Here lies Lindsay. She died of cancer."When my mother found out about her sister's cancer, I think it was startling to her for a ...continue reading.

Mortification

Posted on by lindsay
I baked a cake for my father's birthday last week. He loves Devil's Food cake with dark chocolate frosting, but this year I decided to make things a little more interesting. I added all sorts of things into the cake (coffee grounds, espresso, cinnamon, motor oil), and then tried adding three shots of espresso to the frosting before whipping it into a silky consistency. The problem with altering the frosting as I did was that it lost the ability to hold the top and bottom layers of the cake together, and also had some difficulty staying on the sides of the cake. The result was that I had to use uncooked spaghetti noodles to fasten the layers together, and the whole cake had the appearance of a melting pile of dung.This wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that I'd volunteered to bring the cake to our ...continue reading.

Handfuls of Love

Posted on by lindsay
My dog and I stopped by my parents' house this afternoon to pick up some mail. After being there for a while, Kobe started getting frisky and running around the living room and dining room in circles, obviously wanting to play. I started chasing him and was immediately joined by my father, who incited Kobe to excited hysteria. So much so, in fact, that Kobe ran halfway up the steps to the landing, squatted, and started to poop.I panicked. My parents are not the type who want animals defecating on their carpets.Without a moment of hesitation, I lunged forward, threw myself on the stairs, cupped my hands under his butt, and caught the whole mess. All of it. Every last piece.I've never been more horrified in my life. You think you're disgusted right now? Try being me. Just try. Or even try being my shocked and revolted father, who disdainfully ...continue reading.

This photographer is my hero.

Posted on by lindsay
I generally prefer to keep my politics off this site, as I have many more important topics to discuss (Did I mention that I was caught trimming my armhair with scissors today by an unsuspecting coworker? Exciting!), but this picture was too good not to post. The expressions on both Clinton's and Obama's faces are priceless in light of their recent scuffle, but it also speaks perfectly to a bet I have going with a friend, a hefty bet about who will win the Democratic presidential nomination. My money is on the one who doesn't look like a startled duck.