Bobby Wants To Be Killed
Obviously, because while discussing shoes this morning he said, "But you have huge feet, baby."
Generation Gap
While telling my parents about the massage he got at the Red Door Spa, Bobby mentioned how great the masseuse was, explaining that "she totally rocked me."There was a pause. Then my parents both spoke at the same time.My father asked, "Sherocked you? What's that?"My mother exclaimed, "Oh! You got the treatment with the hot stones? Wow!"
Back by popular demand.
I suppose I owe the people who are kind enough to stop by here some kind of apology for disappearing and not bothering to write for a month. The last time I wrote, it was all, "I hate life! I hate me!" and then I stopped writing entirely and I'm certain more than one person has checked the obituaries for my name since that post. But I'm not dead; just fatally lazy, and now I'm trying to get back on track. In order to do so, I'm going to do another Bringing You Up To Speed On My Exciting Life post, so that when I reference my new pet jellyfish in a subsequent post, you're not completely lost. That was a lie, as I do not own a jellyfish, but the part about the post was not, so sit back, relax, and turn off your computer, because my life is ...continue reading.
Road Rage
I was running late to visit my father for dinner the other night and I needed to stop by the grocery store to buy some corn. On my way there, I was traveling down busy Route 50 when the traffic lights as far as the eye could see turned red. I decided to turn left and cross Route 50 when I had the opportunity, and then complete my trip to the grocery store along the service road that runs parallel to the main road. This would enable me to bypass all of the red lights since I was in a hurry.I was almost there, grocery store nearly in sight, when I came upon a woman in an SUV who was blocking an intersection that I needed to cross. (It's always a woman in an SUV, isn't it?) This particular ray of sunshine had pulled out into the intersection prematurely and ...continue reading.
Dear Dad,
I was going to give you a standard card today with my usual heartfelt message, but then I realized that Mom would kill me if I gave you one more piece of paper that would end up in your office at home, and we all know how poor of an idea it is to upset Mother. Just kidding. (We both know I'm not.) The real reason I decided to write a post about you instead of giving you a card is because I'd like everyone to know what I say to you on Father's Day. I think my sentiments should be heard by all, and not just by you. So here goes.Thanks for raising me. Great job, two thumbs up. Can I borrow $60?Okay, so that was another joke. What I'd really like to say is thank you for being you. I think you can be an enormous pain in ...continue reading.
Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln, How Did You Like The Opera?
On Saturday, my friend Bobby and I volunteered with the Make-a-Wish foundation at the Vintage Virginia Wine Festival. My parents have been volunteers with Make-a-Wish for quite some time, and have always enjoyed working at Vintage Virginia. After crying through a particularly sappy episode of Maury where a sobbing teenage girl in a wheelchair had her lifelong wish to meet Bizzy Bone (evidently a rap star of some sort) granted, Bobby and I decided that we too wanted to volunteer. Vintage Virginia seemed like the perfect place to start.In my mind, I pictured handing out wineglasses in a breezy linen tent or pouring wine samples while chatting jovially with wine connoisseurs. In reality, I spent hours standing in the glaring sun checking IDs and wrapping paper bracelets around the sweaty wrists of people entering the festival while Bobby scanned tickets and assisted with the ID checking. I don't think a ...continue reading.