Why Everyone In My Office Currently Hates Me
Yeah, that's popcorn. Or if you're me, that's delicious.
Welcome to the Dollhouse
There is a new administrative assistant/receptionist in my office today. As a rule, I hate new people. Here's why: New People = Unfamiliar With Office Procedures + Unable To Assist Me Immediately = Frustrating - My Limited Patience With Incompetence = Large Amount of Suckage. I'll simply things for those of you who don't enjoy lengthy equations:New People = Suck I much preferred the brief interval before we had hired New Girl, because that was the time when we were interviewing several candidates each day, and THAT was fun. Each time the office doorbell rang, we'd all peer out of our office doors to scrutinize the arrival, and immediately form rash opinions based strictly on their appearance. Pity the woman who wore slouchy cotton pants and a droopy sweater. She was immediately nicknamed "Schlumpy" and really, can you blame us? It's an interview, not a mopping convention.After conducting the initial ...continue reading.
I couldn’t agree more.
I got so tired of looking at celebrity gossip websites at work that I had to take a break about twenty minutes ago. After a short stroll around the block, I came back inside my building and went through the lobby to the bank of elevators. When the first one opened, I boarded immediately following another woman without even looking to see if the elevator was going up or down. It wasn't until I reached over to press the button for the fifth floor that I noticed that she had already pressed the button for the second level of the basement. Resigned to the fact that I had stupidly boarded an elevator that was going down, I leaned back against the wall to wait out the detour.But then the elevator went up instead of down, and stopped at the fifth floor first. This wasn't alarming at all - many times, ...continue reading.
Slippery Slope of Muddy Misery
I have a completely awesome job. My company is very small, my two bosses are exceptionally cool, I work from home all the time, I wear jeans on the days I manage to make it into the office, I work completely independently, my paycheck is sufficient, I have my own office, and I have a company cellphone that can practically brew me a cappuccino. And yet, I'm miserable. The actual work I do is so tedious, so irritating, and so incredibly detail-oriented that I want to duct tape my body to the interstate to make certain that when cars run me over, I am not dislodged from the paths of other oncoming cars. The work I do involves helping other companies prepare proposals for a particular type of government contract. I'd explain it in more detail, but then you'd die of boredom and there would be one less person to ...continue reading.
Term of Endearment
My boss just asked my coworker if she could throw away the old chips and cheese dip that had been left sitting out in our kitchen all day. When my coworker explained that they'd been left out for sharing and that she no longer had an interest in them, my boss announced that she was going to trash them because the cheese looked congealed. She was on her way past my office towards the kitchen when she stopped abruptly, exclaimed, "Oh, man, first I'd better ask The Stomach," and then popped into my doorway.My boss called me The Stomach. The Stomach.I declined. Not because I have standards, though, but because I had already eaten half of a tub of buttercream frosting after lunch.
And Another!
After going downstairs to buy a soda, I came back upstairs, bounded out of the elevator, and started at a near run down the hallway. In less than a moment, however, I realized that I'd started running down the wrong direction, which is an easy mistake to make because there are elevators on both sides of the hallway. I swore audibly, turned, and started back the other way, but not before a little old man who was waiting for another elevator saw me, pointed, and laughed. LAUGHED.When I got back into the office, I told my coworker who teases me incessantly that I'd just caught a glimpse of him in fifty years. Naturally, upon hearing the story, he pointed at me and laughed.