The Dirt Field

Ever since I was little, I have always loved those little conversation heart candies sold around Valentine’s Day (ingredients: sugar, chemicals to hold sugar together, chemicals to add color, chemicals to speed tooth decay). I think I am the only person on the planet who can say that I truly enjoy their taste, which is a combination of savory chemicals and sweet chalk, and I look forward to them all year. Yesterday marked my first purchase of conversation hearts in 2007, an occasion that apparently surprised the cashier at CVS, who remarked, “Starting early this year?” I did not bother to explain that if they’d had the Valentine’s Day candy on display back in August, I would have started stocking up then.

Little has changed about these candies since I started eating them in grade school, with the exception of the phrases written on each heart. My memories of early conversation heart phrases include such sweet sentiments at “BE MINE” and “YOU’RE CUTE” and “I LOVE YOU”. But things have changed, and now the hearts are more pushy! and edgy! and technologically aware! You can now find “UR HOT” and “NO WAY” and “EMAIL ME” in your standard bag, in addition to the old standbys. And that’s fine, really, because I like to know that my candy is trendy.

But I have to draw the line somewhere, and that line was drawn as I drove to work today eating my conversation hearts. I came upon ones that said “FAX ME”, “YES DEAR”, “GO FISH”, and “LOVE ME”. Fax me? Is that somehow supposed to be sexy? I can understand perhaps calling, emailing, or text messaging a prospective love interest, but faxing? What am I going to do, fax you a note asking you to dinner? Or fax you racy pictures of me wearing nothing but office supplies? And then there’s “YES DEAR”, quite possibly the most dull, downtrodden, depressing phrase ever. People don’t reply “yes dear” when asked out for a hot date or when invited to try something racy in bed; people say “yes dear” when instructed to take out the garbage. I don’t even know what “GO FISH” is supposed to mean, but if a guy told me to go fish, I’d probably think he found me to be repulsive. Finally, “LOVE ME”? What is that, the heart that desperate women glue all over themselves before hiding in their crush’s closet? Why not just have one that says “I’M DESPERATE AND LONELY. YOU’LL DO.”?

In that spirit, I’ve created some new suggestions for conversation hearts.

Great Conversation Heart Ideas That Would Unfortunately Not Make The Cut:

– WELL HUNG
– STALKER
– GOT CRABS
– GOLD DIGGER
– WHAT’S THAT?
– ROOFIE
– HIRE ME
– IS IT IN?
– HAHAHA
– $200/HR
– PLEASE BATHE
– LET’S PORK
– S&M; FAN
– STD FREE
– THAT’S IT?
– YOU’RE EASY
– BABY DADDY
– TOO HAIRY
– NOT TONIGHT

Got any additional suggestions?