The Dirt Field

For over a year now, I have Twittered some of the best 140 character moments of my life. It was fun while it lasted, but I’m ready to call it quits in hopes of cutting back my Internet usage. I deleted my Twitter account, but have posted some of the best tweets from the past 18 months here so that they are not lost in the sad, black void of DELETE ACCOUNT.

Best of The Dirt Field Twitter:

Missed only trick o’ treaters that came to my door. Took nice dog out to chase the children around the neighborhood with cauldron of candy.   8:42 PM Oct 31st

Watching my computer be debugged remotely is like watching an action movie where the hero tries to beat out the bad guys…unsuccessfully.   3:01 PM Oct 30th

On having many, many babies: “She’s trying to populate an entire planet…the planet of Arkansas.”   6:06 PM Oct 27th

Hearing “so-and-so celebrity would attend the opening of an eye” always makes me laugh.   12:56 PM Oct 21st

Erika Eiffel, on object sexuality: “It wasn’t until I saw that they were dating each other and I was dating a bridge, that I was different.”   1:27 PM Oct 14th

“I love your lunchbox!” I told the man in the elevator. “I had the same one when I was ten.” Oops. That didn’t come out right.   9:28 AM Oct 6th

Got to leave work early but forgot my coat and upon realizing this in the elevator, realized I’d keep going even if I’d forgotten my pants.   4:06 PM Oct 1st

Nice how every race picture of me from Ed Sander elicits words like “hunchback” and “ogre” and “hurting” from people who see them.   9:13 PM Sep 30th

The movie “Lymelife” was like “American Beauty” except 300% more empty and depressing, and also like being stabbed in the head repeatedly.   11:42 PM Sep 27th

“He wears Syracuse suits,” announced my coworker to everyone in the lunchroom. Another guy asked, “Um, you mean seersucker?”   9:49 AM Sep 26th

My scheduled training for today says “Thirty Minute Run”. And I’m like, wait, what? Does that involve a bicycle? Should I carry it with me?   1:42 PM Sep 22nd

On owning dogs versus venomous snakes: “It’s always nice to be able to play with your pets and not have it be a life or death situation.”   11:22 AM Sep 18th

“I’m not convinced that there’s a huge demand for sheep innards boiled in the animal’s stomach with oatmeal and suet. But I could be wrong.”   2:36 PM Sep 17th

Bobby, on hearing me play the particularly shitty, generic free song of the week on iTunes: “”Who’s that by? Every band ever?”   10:21 PM Sep 16th

“I’ll just sit and eat my feelings,” I told a coworker. “You must not have a lot of feelings,” he said, “because you’re not terribly heavy.”   1:33 PM Sep 14th

“What do you do for a living?”…”I’m the baby chicken grinder.”   7:22 PM Sep 12th

Bobby “doing homework” on his computer sounds a lot like video game slaughter and mayhem. I think we may have a productivity issue here.   12:59 PM Sep 12th

My coworker just paid me $2 to lick the conference table in the proposal war room.   12:53 PM Sep 10th

“…her hair is still such a pretty shade of bleach.”   9:34 AM Sep 10th

My coworker just peeked over our cubicle wall to announce, “I’m eating salmon over here, in case you were wondering about the smell.”   9:41 AM Sep 9th

While looking for new stations to listen to on Sirius XM, we find one that makes Bobby ask, “What is this, 1920s saloon music?”   6:06 PM Sep 5th

Coworker to me over IM: “You’re a regular party animal.” My reply: “Yes, I’m a party sheep…..baaaaah’d to the bone.”   11:21 AM Sep 4th

On getting out of work: “I’d be headless for a day off.”   4:16 PM Sep 2nd

Fauxcellarm: The sensation and false belief that one can hear his or her mobile phone ringing or vibrating when it is, in fact, not.   9:31 AM Sep 1st

The beauty of Chainlove.com is that you don’t have time to make smart purchase decisions; hence, the pressure suit body armor I just bought.   3:32 PM Aug 31st

Bobby says to me, “I had a friend in high school and his dad was a bird of prey…” long pause “…handler.”   4:56 PM Aug 30th

Ahhh, Dooce: “Do you have a headache? SHUT UP. HOW DARE YOU. Some kid in war-torn Iraq DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A HEAD.”   12:04 AM Aug 29th

Just passed a man standing at a busy intersection wearing a billboard sign saying “I CHEATED ON MY WIFE AND THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT.”   9:05 AM Aug 26th

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”   4:43 PM Aug 24th

Bobby just told me a flying ant flew in his car window, took off its wings, and threw them at him. He says a wing hit him in the face.   6:51 PM Aug 23rd

Translating pet ads on Craigslist, posted under Best of Craigslist: “I want $1000+ for my puppy = I live on another planet.”   1:21 PM Aug 22nd

“I’m going to take my pet fish for a long walk on the beach.”   2:07 PM Aug 21st

A former coworker: “You were pretty snippy to me in my first month and I swore I wouldn’t like you. Now, I think you’re funny and likable.”   10:09 AM Aug 20th

A Whole Foods customer that was angry with the CEO’s position on healthcare reform lamented, “I’ll have to get my Puffins elsewhere.”   10:09 AM Aug 19th

I come back from a weekend away to discover that Scout has dried milk crusted on his butt fur and that Bobby knows this and is unconcerned.   10:14 PM Aug 16th

“They’re a traveling motorcycle gang that spreads the word of God.”   9:27 PM Aug 16th

Why is everything in New Jersey paved? Whoever decided this was The Garden State has clearly never been here.   3:16 PM Aug 14th

Just passed a pickup truck on the NJ Turnpike with four life-size plastic cows in the flatbed.   1:47 PM Aug 14th

Bobby just tried to convince me that I used his iTunes account to buy a song by “Five Finger Death Punch”. Right. That’s likely.   10:23 PM Aug 13th

Kobe growls at Bobby when he has to poop in the middle of the night and that makes me laugh.   4:57 PM Aug 9th

Bobby actually just said, “I seriously doubt a fish could make you leak out of your ass.”   1:10 PM Aug 9th

Helping me do a crossword, Bobby asks, “What’s the clue for that one that says soo-kra?” I look at the vertical word. “Oh, you mean SOURCE?”   1:29 AM Aug 6th

What’s worse? Being the kind of person who wipes your dog’s butt, or being the kind of person that doesn’t?   9:39 PM Aug 4th

Bobby just announced that he has “nice guy feet” that are all “prim and proper”.   11:43 AM Aug 2nd

“You think my skin is peeling from sunburn? It’s because I have to crawl into bed with her every night.”   10:00 PM Aug 1st

I think it’s weird that it’s considered normal for a man to drive around in a musical truck selling ice cream to children.   8:15 PM Jul 28th

It’s dog bath day; hooray for holding miserable, soapy animals against my bare skin while they try to claw their way out of the shower.   10:56 AM Jul 24th

Bobby kept farting during Harry Potter and let me think it was somebody else. Revenge = Telling the Internet.   7:37 PM Jul 21st

My mom just said using her new BlackBerry Storm felt like she was talking on an “adding machine”. (Which is ancient-speak for “calculator”.)   11:52 AM Jul 20th

To help kill time at the Denver airport, I just chose the longest security screening line.   3:13 PM Jul 19th

“Bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we’re all good.”   11:19 PM Jul 10th

Bobby, on age differences in relationships: “I couldn’t possibly imagine finding a 7-year-old hot.”   6:48 PM Jul 4th

Forked up ugly/unidentifiable thing while eating leftover Thai. Intending to discard, instead put in mouth and ate. Sleep deprivation rocks.   12:29 PM Jun 29th

On being canned and cleaning out one’s cubicle: “Fine then! I’ll just take my Chicken Chucker and my Avenging Unicorn and BE GONE!”   6:43 PM Jun 28th

Bobby, on how to lose a pet ferret: “It gets out of its cage and runs out the door like a little mink.”   7:55 PM Jun 26th

“Giove rode with a dead piranha around her neck – to remind her to be aggressive – and the ashes of her dead dog tucked in her sports bra.”   9:59 AM Jun 22nd

My father opens his Perrier, takes a sip, and sighs, “It’s like the champagne of water.”   5:33 PM Jun 20th

Depression is great in the way that it gives me permission to eat deep-fried things.   6:45 PM Jun 17th

I view the slugs outside my condo as sentient beings with real emotions, and thus feel sad when one gets squished.   9:39 PM Jun 16th

Heard in a meeting today: “I told my friend that my girlfriend was really expensive and he told me that’s because she’s a prostitute.”   12:42 PM Jun 15th

Heard in a meeting today: “When you’re sleeping your way to the top of your family, that’s incestual nepotism.”   12:48 PM Jun 10th

Bobby sees a bird take flight and immediately poop, and yells, “Prepare to launch! Jettison the fuel canisters!”   9:27 AM Jun 7th

Why do so many people have trouble understanding how to wear a bike helmet? It’s not a freaking beret!   6:28 PM Jun 1st

Raced today. Tried to ride through thorny shrub; shrub won. Got third in Elite Women; me, not shrub.   6:22 PM May 31st

“Come on fucker. We’ll go somewhere healthy so it won’t ruin your twig diet.” -Jkrew   7:11 PM May 25th

My “enzymatically active organic food bar” is, not surprisingly, disgusting.   4:53 PM May 24th

Bobby, on eggs: “Isn’t it weird to think we eat baby chickens every day?”   1:47 AM May 24th

My coworkers are trying to get me to yodel for them in the office.   4:44 PM May 20th

Bobby: “Did you just say, ‘Homie don’t play that’?”   7:26 PM May 4th

On today’s race: “You’ll have fun. It’ll just be very painful fun.”   11:58 AM Apr 26th

Bobby just yelled at Scout to “stop that, whatever that is, that demon gurgle.”   10:02 AM Apr 18th

On caring for Bobby’s dream dog: “I’d take your Chihuahua outside, hold it up in one hand, squeeze it, and shake until the poop falls out.”   8:30 PM Mar 15th

My hand lotion is like being punched in the face with grapefruits.   6:07 PM Feb 22nd

“It was like a petting zoo for fish.”   5:53 PM Feb 16th

“It was a very technical sidewalk!”   12:23 AM Feb 12th

A coworker, after I choked on a sandwich today: “A week from now, you’ll blow your nose and that piece of chicken will come out.”   11:35 PM Jan 28th

Me: “It started as a tuberculosis sanitarium, but became a hospital for the chronologically ill.” Bobby: “They don’t know how to tell time?”   9:18 AM Jan 25th

“Bobby, your car always smells like shoes.” His reply: “Maybe it’s your upper lip.”   2:21 PM Jan 19th

Taking Back Sunday sounds like somebody’s period set to music.   8:31 PM Jan 18th

Said about me today: “You have the personality of a chimpanzee sometimes.”   3:20 PM Jan 15th

I accidentally cut off all of Bobby’s hair.   6:38 PM Jan 10th

Coworker to me today: “You’re the only person I know who complains about rules you don’t follow.”   1:37 PM Jan 9th

“The sea monkey is, like, ultra-versatile.”   7:13 PM Jan 1st

Said the VP on the phone with her daughter: “This is why God gave you GPS, honey.”   12:38 PM Dec 31st, 2008

Kobe just dropped a little fear poop on the floor of the waiting room at the vet’s office.   8:41 PM Dec 26th, 2008

Frisbees scare me. It’s basically an unpredictable plastic disc flying at your head.   1:29 PM Dec 20th, 2008

“I was crying because it was squishy.” Bobby, on being a young pantspooper.   12:23 PM Dec 14th, 2008

“I’m going downstairs to get something to eat at the next possible free moment…which will be, like, Thursday.”   1:37 PM Dec 9th, 2008

Bobby’s sideview mirror just fell off.   9:32 PM Oct 17th, 2008

Quote of the day: “Please don’t cut your leg hair with the kitchen scissors.”   2:29 PM Aug 3rd, 2008

I dropped bottle of pills of the doctor’s office. He and I then had to crawl around on the floor and pick up dozens of little pills.   6:28 PM Aug 1st, 2008

Mom says of a recent movie she saw, “It made me feel so happy! Even you would have been happy.”   12:32 PM Jul 26th, 2008

Bobby: “I get annoying when I get bored!”   6:22 PM Jul 17th, 2008

Less than two hours into the drive, someone got out of their car on the highway to yell at us.   8:45 AM Jul 17th, 2008

“I don’t love you yet, but I like you because you’re soft.”   1:00 PM Jun 15th, 2008

I just found the most horrifying bug crawling in my desk. It had pincers on its butt. UGH.   9:24 AM Jun 10th, 2008

Lord almighty, I have a toe-fro.   12:29 PM Jun 7th, 2008

Bobby just called me a “doggy-ball fondler”. I don’t disagree, but I had a very good reason.   7:25 PM Jun 1st, 2008

A kind police officer just put down his radar gun to politely gesture for me to slow down.   6:36 PM May 29th, 2008

I just bought size eleven shoes. SIZE ELEVEN. It’s time to have my toes removed.   2:03 PM May 26th, 2008

Bobby’s music makes me want to rip my ears off and throw them at him.   10:22 AM May 24th, 2008

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn’t matter. He’s not coming anyway.   6:15 PM May 21st, 2008

I now Twitter! It was only a matter of time before technology helped me overcome the obstacle of having to write actual posts.   12:43 AM May 21st, 2008