On Monday afternoon, Caitlin and I began our seventh task, which was to post personal advertisements on Craigslist.org and see who received more responses within forty-eight hours. These ads were not to contain pictures, lewd offers, or any other unfair means of tempting potential suitors. It was mutually understood that the goal was to obtain witty and unusual responses from interesting people. (If you have not already read our advertisements, they were posted yesterday.)
By the end, I can safely say that we hit the full spectrum of online suitors. There were the men who sent formulaic emails that made absolutely no reference to our ads, leading us to conclude that they responded to every single ad, regardless of content, physical description, or species. Then there were those who merely wrote to comment on our ads, be it to compliment our odd senses of humor or to share their opinions on ducks/foes/sewage. Finally, there were the men who wrote lengthy, often funny emails that responded to the points discussed in our ads while also sharing details about themselves. Those were by far the most fun to read, and in Caitlin’s case, the ones that may actually get responses.
We also discovered just how unusual people can be online. We both received an email from a 21 year-old who lived at home, was looking to find someone to marry and keep in a cage, and did not believe in drugs or alcohol but did believe firmly in the Lord. I had a suitor by the name of Jedidiah who signed his email with “Jed”. Caitlin had a guy who referred to himself with the pronoun “we”, and tried to carry off a lengthy joke about being royalty that failed miserably and was painful to read. Finally, one man sent Caitlin the following image, apparently in hopes of wooing her with his sexy machismo:
Notable Moment: Below are excerpts from some of the best emails. In most cases, it is obvious to which advertisement the gentlemen were responding.
“I must admit I’m intrigued by your “foes”…does the big one act as an opposable thumb? Can you use them to type? Give massages? Pitch softball?
For what it’s worth, I’m Clinton, 23, and am in possession of a Burger King crown on which was lovingly scrawled in purple gel pen by members of my high school AP English class, “Grammar Queen.” I wore it proudly, because while the implication of wearing women’s clothing is perhaps slightly defamatory to my machismo, the idea of not being in firm command of language makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth.”
“When I go to clubs people tend to mistake me for a bouncer, which is cool considering that my first job was as a bouncer. So if you don’t like big guys you will not like me. Now I am a lawyer, which is not totally dissimilar to being a bouncer, except that it pays much better.
PS. I enjoy shooting too. Do you prefer pistols, shotguns, rifles, or heroin?”
“I have, well, if not superior hygiene, an appropriate level of hygiene. (What is superior hygiene? I don’t shower 4 times per day, but I do at least once, I see dentists, etc.) If my face is not symmetrical, I’ve never noticed.”
“I don’t know where to begin because I feel so outfoxed by your ad that I’m kind of feeling like less my usual writing tiger and more like a literary aardvark.
My toes are short (longish digits though) and I’ve got dark skin, well not so so dark. More mocha. My last girlfriend said if I were a dog I’d be a Weimaraner. I was flattered (but wait, should I have been?) I have dark almond-shaped eyes that are decidedly un-caninelike (new word) and more like that of a marsupial, or a person of Asian-descent, which I am not. I can say with 95% confidence that my face is (pleasantly) symmetrical. I mean babies tend to stare at me, that’s a good sign, I think. They don’t turn and cry or hide their baby eyes. They want to look.
I like girls, but have learned that their bite can be way (way way way) worse than their bark. Especially attractive girls, they have sharp incisor teeth and that weird rear claw that platypuses have – did you see that Nat’l Geographic?”
“My sister claims I have Fred Flintstone nails on my big toe. She calls them my ‘plate toes’ because she says you can eat a meal off of them, they’re so big. I have no defense, but I can’t say that I had noticed until she mentioned it. Now I seek out bare male feet whenever the opportunity arises.
I have no affinity for ducks. None whatsoever. This isn’t to say I’m turned off by ducks. I just lack this so-called ‘affinity’. Ducks are fine. Sure, they are servants of filth and disease, but I still think they’re pretty ok.”
“Let me start by saying that I have only once been attracted to a leather handbag, and the romance ended as soon as the security guard “escorted” me out the door.
Sheepish is, of course, the comparing of oneself to a harmless, but delicious, woolly creature. I.E. a person who eat a lot of grass and has their entire body shaved once a year or so.
Saucy is the state of being covered entirely with some sort of tomato-based liquid. The etymology of the word is uncertain, but many believe it came from the ancient Huns, often said to have bathed their prisoners of war in a lovely tomato and lemongrass marinade shortly before adding them to the camp rations.”
“I think everyone I know has some contention about the normality of their feet. I don’t have any complaints about the noteworthy points of any of the feet I have met, except for my friend whose toes are a bit…um, supernumerary. That was just weird.
I’m 21, 5′ 10″ with brown eyes and brown hair that, despite the best efforts of expensive styling gels, Far Eastern mystics, exorcisms, and the blood of virgins, will constantly make me appear as though I just had sex or, on even worse days, make me look like a 12 year old emo kid. My face does not scare away dogs and make children cry, but it has more lines from laughter than most middle aged people I know. I find “tanned” skin to be mildly terrifying.
As for my affinity for ducks, I think we both share the same aptitude for investment banking. On those grounds alone, ducks and I are real close.”
“As for Yahtzee I never land on Boardwalk (meaning I never played), cookbooks often result in dangerous flames and loud sirens so I prefer to let the professionals at the Kraft plant handle such things, I prefer my ducks roasted (unless you’re referring to having one as a pet in which case they’re lovely lovely creatures best appreciated from a distance and definitely not roasted, sauteed, or skewered in any fashion).”
“A freakishly-tarsaled, lanky, adventurous hockey player who will buy me meals at expensive restaurants? I’m in. I am a well-educated, symmetrically-faced non-felon. And I can define your words too…
Sheepish (adj) – Woolly. Like a sheep.
Saucy (adj) – Covered with sauce.
How did I do? Hey wait where are you going…”
“Allow me to impress you with my endless accomplishments. First, I paved (and am busy repaving) the entire W&OD; trail using rock extracted from the strip mine in Ashburn, using only my teeth to grind the rock and my spit to create asphalt (In the words of Asok from Dilbert: “mouth… so… dry…”). Also, (don’t tell anyone), I am solely responsible for the traffic problem here in Northern Virginia. I start work early each morning, parking my fleet (literally… 1000s) of cars on various east-bound routes and then I spend the middle of the day reparking them on th
e web-bound routes, just in time for evening rush hour. Route 7 is my favorite target. “Why?” you ask? Simple: because I hate people. Oh, please don’t tell Governor Kaine. He thinks the root of the problem is that the roads aren’t wide enough. Sucker…
Oh yeah… this stuff just goes without saying in my book, but I guess it is important to make clear: I have a real job, I am actually your age, I don’t take hard drugs, gateway drugs, on-ramp drugs, or highway-to-the-danger-zone drugs. Also, a smoking habit goes REALLY well with bike racing (I’ve gotta take a drag before the final sprint… I usually borrow the lighter of the guy next to me).”
“Physically, I’m not so much 6’3″ with distinctly cut muscles, shiny, perfectly-aligned, white teeth, warm bedroom eyes, and an IQ in excess of 150. I am a bit shorter, and while I’m not out of shape, my muscles are definitely present, but require investigation to find. My teeth are remarkably aligned, with a lovely off-white color which is really quite charming.”
“I am a bit shorter than the idea 6’3″, but when I cross-dress and wearing my 5″ heels, I do reach that. My ideal mussels are steamed in wine (actually, I’ve never had them before…. but I assume mixed with wine it couldn’t be too bad).”
“I went to George Mason University where I was so smart that they named a degree after me. If you ever go there it’s called a law degree. It sounded classier that getting a Chris. Now I work at a job that is so top secret that they didn’t even tell me the name. I don’t even know if I have an office. I just sit at home filing my nails, acting very secretive.
I used to be big into Bible study but got soooo bored. Talk about a preachy book, everyone is a sinner, except for this one guy. I was going to try the hopscotch on 495 once but couldn’t convince anyone else to join me. I am not the most outdoorsy type but do get out every now and again. I am somewhat of a regular in Central American cloud forests. I recommend cloud nine.
As for looks, I am 6’-6’1” (6’4” in heels) had braces, use whitening toothpaste, was voted most bedroom-eyed in Smart Guy Magazine, and am definitely cut, although it might have been from play-doh. BTW the hair in the pic is not real, it is a back hair comb over.” 
“I just started a job with a small sewage company that manages four sewage fields in the DC area. This has a been a great step up from my previous job as a button specialist where I was in charge of making sure each button was in a circular shape (squares are bad). The sewage company gives me a bright orange truck with a septic tank attached that I get to drive to each of the sites. I think I have seen you sunbathing on one of our sewage fields. I have been admiring you from afar (I would be the guy with the orange sewage tank on wheels), too shy to speak to the beauty lying in the sewage. However, when I saw your posting on CL I knew I had to write you. I think this was a sign from God (you know, the guy you talk to at Bible study each night…).”
Conclusion: This task provided substantial amusement with minimal effort on our part. Considering that the majority of this was conducted on our highly monitored work computers, I’m certain we thoroughly entertained the IT department as well (I’m praying that my ‘specialized’ knowledge provides ironclad job security). That aside, it was really interesting to see just what people will say when courting a stranger online. In the end, I won with a whopping thirty-eight responses in forty-eight hours, compared to Caitlin’s impressive thirty-three, which scored me a free Thai lunch next week. I think I’ll have duck.