The Dirt Field

My most recent project at work has been the particularly mind-numbing task of reformatting and editing forty-seven resumes that are going to be included in a proposal. Resume formatting is horribly boring and repetitive, so to pass the time I’ve started actually paying attention to the content of the resumes. It amazes me to see the kind of poorly-written tripe people put in the document that is intended to represent the sum total of their professional selves. Some resumes are obscenely long, detailed, and impossible to follow, while others describe entire years spent doing a job using a single bullet point. The best resumes (and by “best”, I mean the most likely to entertain people around me) and the ones with objective statements, because 95% of the time, the statements are pointless crap.

Exhibit A:

“To utilize my education and professional experience, while increasing my leadership abilities, to contribute towards achieving goals in a business environment.”

So basically you have a deeply unique and meaningful goal that is shared only by every single other person who either has job or aspires to have a job. I shall hire you at once!

Exhibit B:

“Find an entry-level position that will not only challenge me, but afford me the opportunity to serve my country.”

Serve your country? This isn’t the Peace Corps. You’re applying for a paid position (obviously you don’t care what kind, just as long as it’s the bottom rung of the ladder) at a private company. Try McDonald’s. You can serve your country fries.

Exhibit C:

“To be a dedicated employee, doing the best job possible and learning new things. Helping other people to be what they want and need to be for success. To make the company I work for successful.”

I don’t even know what to say here, but I don’t need to because I’m too busy choking on all the vomit.

There were several slightly less awful objectives that included statements like “provides an avenue for advancement” and “maximize your company goals”, but not one objective said anything compelling or hire-worthy about the writer. I don’t claim to have any valid expertise in resume writing, but I can tell you that if you put it on paper and even your mother doesn’t give a shit, you should probably not send it to an employer.

Some helpful hints. First, delete the objective statement entirely. Potential employers don’t care about your objectives, they care about theirs. They are not going to hire you to make your dreams come true; they’re going to hire you to be a cog in the company machine.

If you are unwilling to part with the objective statement entirely, then at least try to remember that companies are not going to select you because they want to give you a chance to grow. You’re not a young, magical plant. Don’t bother dressing up your desire to start your career or get ahead with fluffy words. Tell the employer what you will do for them and be specific. State specifically why you rock and leave out the wishy-washy personal adjectives (everybody is a “motivated team-player”). When you have put something down on paper, read it out loud and then ask yourself, “Can more than half of the planet say the exact same thing and have it be true?” If the answer is yes, then my answer is DELETE.

On the other hand, somewhere some poor girl might be stuck reformatting your resume some day, so please do her a favor and lump on the dumbest, most ridiculous objective you possibly can. It will brighten her day and she will laugh and then make fun of you on the Internet and be happy that you exist.