Long-Toed Lass Seeks Similarly Spoken Suitor
I’ll start with my looks, because I know that, in assessing my suitability and desirability, that’s where you’ll start too. I’m 5’8″, with blue eyes and long blond hair. Lest you picture a svelte Barbie, let me replace the image with that of a lanky teenage boy. Being that I am averse to skin cancer, I am fairly pale as well – if you want to date a leather handbag, I am not the girl for you. I also have abnormally large feet, with frighteningly long toes. They’ve been called “foes” in the past, which is a charming conglomeration of the words “finger” and “toes” – a very accurate name for them. Were I more skilled, I could probably use them to climb trees or play the banjo, but for now, I just use them to repulse men and scare children.
Now let’s move on to my deeper qualities. I am exceptionally direct, tactless, and perpetually bemused. I take myself very seriously, and expect you to do the same. However, I will laugh at you incessantly, so I expect you to have the hide of a crocodile. I am a vocabulary Nazi, and I will be immediately appalled by emails that lack capital letters, punctuation, and a basic grasp of the English language. If you cannot define the words sheepish and saucy, we will never have anything in common.
In my spare time, I enjoy shooting, playing street hockey, and eating at expensive restaurants. I am especially fond of spontaneous adventures and terrifying situations, and I find that almost any activity can be substantially improved with a healthy dose of stupidity and humiliation. If you enjoy making bets about who can fit in the refrigerator at work, who can eat more marshmallows in an hour, or who can paddle a cardboard box across the Potomac River faster, we’ll get along famously.
As for you, I expect you to have superior hygiene, a generally symmetrical face, an excellent vocabulary, and an education that extends beyond the single-digit grades. If you have ever been charged with a felony, or if your best moments in life have involved copious amounts of cheap alcohol that were consumed through a funnel, I will be completely put off. On the other hand, if you are exceptionally gifted at Yahtzee, enjoy reading cookbooks, or have an affinity for ducks, I look forward to meeting you.
[Please Note: These personal ads are part of a task that will be explained at its conclusion this Friday afternoon. To see these ads in their natural habitat, visit Craigslist.org and check the DC page. In case it was somehow unclear, we’re under the heading of women seeking men.]