1. Aisha’s ability to control her need to utilize the entire apartment as a bathroom is in serious regression. This has resulted in a series of Resolve-soaked land mines spread around the apartment, and a continual scavenger hunt to determine the source of any off-putting smells.
2. I have a racing stripe down my nose as a result of a friendly good-morning swat from little Vampire Claws. Being that I am the palest person on Earth, the scratch stands out in stark relief and gives me a certain je ne sais quoi.
3. My gun safe will not open, even though I am absolutely certain that I am putting in the correct code. The problem lies in the fact that the gun is locked outside of the safe. When I first discovered this situation, I (oh-so-responsibly) left the gun lying on top of the safe for the night, surrounded by colorful toys and candy to attract small children. Before you get overly excited, please keep in mind that (a) I am joking – there are (THANK GOD) no small children in my apartment, and (b) I obviously did not leave the gun loaded. That being said, it was still alarming to come in and find little Aisha nestled on the floor next to the safe, gnawing on the handle of the gun.
4. My former boss is a sack of shit. It didn’t really occur to me last Friday, but the fact that he ‘removed’ me by calling the temp agency as opposed to discussing it with me himself is just plain cowardly. Additionally, it is really fucking irritating to realize that he waited until TWO DAYS AFTER I COMPLETED AN ENTIRE MONTH OF ORGANIZING HIS FUCKING OFFICE to dispose of me. He could not have had the revelation that my schedule was inconvenient for him BEFORE I put the 10,000 page document in numerical order? [As an aside, I went into the office today to collect my belongings and drop off my key. In a rare moment of maturity, I resisted the urge to biologically violate his office in his absence, but I did make sure to “borrow” a highlighter and $3 worth of postage to mail out my final law school application. Small victories, I know, but still satisfying. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but I even took back the caramel candies I had put in the communal dish. That may seem childish, but the thought of that obnoxious man deriving enjoyment from MY CANDIES was too much to bear. I would have rather coated them in battery acid and shoved them up my nose than allowed him to eat them.]
5. My tempromandibular joint (TMJ) is acting up. In translation, my jaw hurts excruciatingly whenever I open my mouth to speak or chew – which basically encompasses my entire range of activities. I have no idea why it is so painful and bothersome now; in recent months, it has only hurt or popped occasionally and periodically threatened to become stuck open. These past few days, however, have sucked so significantly that I can hardly open my mouth. This may seem like a blessing to those around me, but to me, it is largely unpleasant.
Other than these small nuisances, I’m actually in a rather pleasant mood. My brother-in-law’s wedding this past weekend was really enjoyable, and I didn’t even (noticeably) pee on the altar while doing my reading during the ceremony. Their wedding colors were gold and crimson red, which meant that I was able to borrow my maid-of-honor’s dress to wear to their ceremony (Caitlin: please see earlier note about peeing………..sorry). Despite my complete inability to breathe in the corset-style top once I’d consumed four plates of food and four drinks at the reception, I had a fantastic evening, and I cut more than my fair share of rugs on the dance floor. Pictures to follow, for your laughing pleasure.