The Dirt Field

My MacBook has leprosy. The area next to the keyboard where I place my hands has taken on a disgusting brown tint that tells everyone around me that I am an unwashed soul with filthy, horrid hands. While this may be true, I have researched and found proof that I am not the only Mac user with this problem. It turns out that Apple has been replacing the palmrest area on all MacBooks that were sold before the chemical compound error in the plastic was corrected. According to the Apple website, all I needed to do was to call the Apple Tech Support hotline number, and all of my problems would be solved.

That was a lie.

I called once last week and was placed on hold for ten minutes, before I surrendered and decided to call when I had more time/patience/alcohol.

At 6:15pm today, while relaxing in the Atrium at school, I made the first call. I waited, waited, waited, and then quit at the fifteen minute mark. I decided to use my long drive home in rush hour traffic to make the next call, so I dialed Tech Support’s number, turned on my speakerphone, and sang along to the hold music. I arrived home forty-five minutes later, changed clothes, let the dogs out, checked my email, painted my apartment, and cooked a seven course meal…all while I was still on hold. I finally hung up.

When I had regained my resolve, I called again, suffered through the exact same holding songs, and nearly fell over dead when a live voice came on the phone almost an hour later. I grabbed the phone off the desk and shrieked into the speaker, “You’re alive!”

The man on the other end did not seem amused. “Yes,” he replied. “I’m alive.”

He began by asking me if I’d purchased the AppleCare Protection Plan with my laptop (no), and then patronizingly asked if I knew what benefits it offered (yes). He then asked why I was calling.

I hastily explained my problem and tried several times to answer his questions about the exact nature of the discoloration on the palmrest (“It’s brown. Umm, like, a grayish brown? Or maybe an orangeish brown? I don’t know. It’s brown. On a white computer. That’s all. Just brown.”), before he put me back on hold to do some research.

He returned a few minutes later and asked, “Have you tried cleaning it?”

No, of course not. I actually just thought I’d give up two hours of my life to wait for you to tell me to try using a little soap and water.

“Yes,” I answered patiently. “I’ve used water, soap, a Magic Eraser stick, and Fantastic.”

He inhaled sharply. “NEVER use Fantastic! It is FAR too corrosive. Did you spray it on?”

“No, I sprayed it onto a paper towel and then wiped the palmrest area.”

“Good. I didn’t think you’d be that-” He paused. “I figured you were too smart to do something like that.” [I’m sorry, but did I call Apple Tech Support or my third grade teacher?]

He then presented me with my options: I could mail the computer back to Apple to have them do the repair (impossible, since I am biologically fused to my laptop and would be unable to function without it for an hour, much less ten days) or I could call my local Apple store to make a reservation for a repair, at which point they would order the part and call me to come back when it came in.

I chose the latter. Which basically meant that my entire call to Tech Support was a needless, pointless waste of time. Splendid.