I had one slice of apple pie a la mode after dinner and now I’m thinking about putting on my heart rate monitor and jumping on the bed until I burn a slice of pie’s worth of calories.
Jesus, these are some serious issues.
Eating has always been a sensitive subject. I love to eat, and while I have a generally healthy diet, I also have a sweet tooth and the periodic inability to stop putting food in my mouth. Add in all of the training (which increases my appetite enormously) and the pressure to be competitive on the bike (the more I have to carry uphill, the slower I go), and I struggle constantly with my eating. Am I eating enough? Am I eating too much? Am I feeding my muscles or overstuffing my gut? Am I actually hungry or am I just craving? AM I OUT OF MY MIND?
The answer is most certainly yes.
Within an hour of getting an iPhone a few weeks ago, I had found the Fitness Tracker app that allowed me to track every calorie consumed and burned. Fitness Tracker and I went from zero to sixty instantly; within a day, I was logging every nibble, avoiding restaurant food because the nutritional data was harder to find, and working out extra hard just so I would be allowed to eat more calories for that day. On the days where I ate more than the application said was permitted, I was miserable.
Bobby finally asked, “Why are you so mean to yourself?” and it made me want to both laugh and cry because it was so true. I am really mean to my body; every time I eat too much or eat something I shouldn’t, I berate myself until the next workout. It feels like shit and I can’t stop.
Lest you think I’m starving or Karen Carpentering myself into an early grave, I will say that my core diet is both healthy and sufficient to meet my body’s needs. I’m not withering away or skipping meals – I just devote far too much head space and guilt to this topic. I had a wonderful dinner tonight with a dear friend, but because I had an extra piece of bread and a big dessert, I feel like I need to go ride or run or carry around a sack of bricks. Hey! This guilt is a dead weight! Maybe it will burn some calories.
It is very difficult to change my thinking process when it comes to eating. Fitness Tracker and I finally broke up a week ago when Bobby put his foot down (for the third time), and I was willing to concede because the application said there wasn’t enough left in my calorie budget to afford the tacos I wanted. Sadly, dropping that insanity doesn’t seem to have fixed the underlying problem.
My new job may be willing to help in this area. In the words of my new colleague, “I try to get to the gym, but during the week I’m too busy with work and by the weekend I’m just too exhausted. However, I think the stress of this place keeps me thin.”