While this blog might lead you to believe otherwise, once in a while I stop riding a bicycle. Some long overdue updates:
The Dogs. To make a long story short, Scout got cancer, Scout got cured of cancer but brought home fleas, the fleas made me lose my mind for a little while, I got the furniture cleaned and banished the pets to the floor, and felt guilty for kicking Scout out of his armchair so I bought him a fancy bed. Then Kobe refused to get out of the bed, so I got another one and now both dogs have taken up permanent residence in the beds. As in, I have to physically peel Kobe out of the bed to get him to go outside. The good news is that Scout made it through the first November in three years without developing any serious health problems, which would be cause for joy were it not for that whole cancer thing a few months ago.
The Parents. My father was scheduled to have a minor procedure performed the other day and, upon hearing this news, I jokingly reminded him to update his will. He said he had and was leaving everything to charity, specifically plastics recycling. He is going to have the recycling plant named in my honor. I am hoping what he really means is “I have instructed your mother to give you my BMWs.” Then he texted me today to talk about his bellybutton. My mother is doing well and is delighted that, despite her objections, I made my sweet potato souffle on Thanksgiving. No problem, Mom. I’ll make it for Christmas, too. And your birthday.
The Job. It’s good. I like it. My coworkers make me laugh every day. At a headquarters meeting the other day, we collectively agreed that I have no tact. I like to think of my style as efficient.
The M Coupe. I sold it back in September. As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, “Big mistake. Big. HUGE.” In the movie, she went on to say, “I have to go shopping now!” I couldn’t agree more. Thus, I have spent the past few days scouring the Internet and trying to avoid sounding desperate when emailing the handful of people selling M Coupes around the country. Please feel free to share your strong feelings about the sensibility of this choice by clicking here.
The House. I still live in a shitty neighborhood. On Halloween night, I put a jack-o’-lantern on the front steps of my building around 11pm. Somebody smashed it on the sidewalk by 7am the next morning. Last week, there were men smoking weed behind the dumpsters. The other night, I took the dogs for their nightly walk and ended up chasing thugs away from the playground because they were lighting things on fire. It helped that Kobe behaved like a little shit and tried to eat them. When Santa Claus comes to my neighborhood to deliver presents, he should probably expect to be mugged. Hooray for home ownership!
Other. (1) I turned 28 at the end of October. Soon I will be 30 and then I will die of old age. (2) My 10-year high school reunion was last weekend and, unsurprisingly, my fellow graduates went on to become frighteningly accomplished (lawyers, doctors, software developers, people working at hedge funds, people doing post-doctoral work in physics or mathematics). I decided to stand out by pursuing a dream that does not require me to use my head, only my legs. This choice fascinated my classmates. (3) After seven months of small sips, I finally finished my first bottle of whisky. My father promptly bought me another, much larger bottle. (4) Thanksgiving was great. The Bayer family gathered at my parents’ house, I drank enough that scouring the house for my father’s special snickersnee [aka, carving knife] became my life’s singular purpose, both my parents did musical performances, and my aunt made “fucking A, man” the official slogan of the holiday. Christmas can’t come soon enough.