I understand that we are both on road bikes and going in the same direction. It’s great that we’re both riding, isn’t it? However, there are several things you are wearing that indicate that it is unlikely that you plus me equals peloton. These things include, but are not limited to:

1. A fanny pack. Frankly, these are an abomination both on and off the bike.
2. Any type of mirror.
3. Clothing that is baggy enough to allow the unnoticed smuggling of anything larger than a potato.
4. Something tied around your waist.
5. Any single article of apparel with more than five colors.
6. Shoes that do not attach to your pedals. This does not include sandals with cleats; those are unspeakable and I don’t even know where to begin.
7. A helmet visor.
8. A seatbag that, were a horse to find it dangling between his hind legs, would cause said horse to blush with pride at its size and heft.
9. A CamelBak.
10. Anything loudly labeled Scattante.

I understand that you are wearing these things for safety/comfort/convenience, but as you are ostensibly a cyclist, you must know that we are not doing this for safety/comfort/convenience, we are doing this because cycling is awesome and beautiful and painful. There is nothing you need to bring on your ride that cannot be accommodated in jersey pockets, bottle cages, and a small, streamlined seatbag. Until this is a mutual understanding, please enjoy your ride somewhere other than on my wheel.

 

3 thoughts on “Dear Fred.”

  2. Ahhh the conundrum. A true professional cyclist rides the pace dictated by their training regimen for that day or the current “sensations” as they may be. But what to do when said “Fred” decides to attach itself to one’s wheel during an easy spin recovery ride? I personally find it hard not to get far away and as quickly as possible, recovery ride or not. This is a safety issue for me more than anything. The nearest punchy climb will suffice to do it in a respectfull manner.

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