Damn, I’m so hot. And talented.

Posted on by lindsay
When you Google my name, this is the photograph that comes up. I'm just glad the pink bodysuit was on sale; otherwise I would have been forced to wear something flattering.Also, here is a sample of my finest artwork. The building's design was commissioned as a tribute to Frank Lloyd Wright, but was apparently very offensive to the people who live done their. My biggest regret is that my depiction of a nose more closely resembles a mouthless guppy emerging slowly from a wall of mud.

SWM seeks – no, wait, DEMANDS – unobtrusively adoring supermodel.

Posted on by lindsay
I had lunch with my friend Xill* today. Xill is an unapologetic, shamelessly vain narcissist whose best quality is his ability to fully-acknowledge and appreciate those less than stellar characteristics. I enjoy his company, and find him to be largely entertaining; however, I can recognize that a girl reviewing him as a potential mate would not be nearly as amused. For example, Xill stated today that he has no current interest in children or pets "because [he'd] have to spend money on somebody else", and that he does not want a girlfriend "because they are annoying". When I finally pointed out that he might want to consider revising his personal marketing strategy, he replied:"The product sells itself."After seeing me explode into hysterical laughter, Xill, in his infinite kindness and generosity, granted me permission to repeat and reuse that phrase as frequently as I desired. So be on the lookout: that's ...continue reading.

How do you like YOUR eggs?

Posted on by lindsay
I came up with a brilliant scheme yesterday for making some extra, much-needed cash: I, like all other girls who are "putting themselves through school", am going to be a stripper. Okay, I'm kidding - the real money is in prostitution. Alright, that was a joke as well, although somebody should probably check to make sure my father still has a pulse. In actuality, I am starting an editing business, where people (mainly lazy GMU miscreants) can email me their poorly-written papers and, for a small fee, I will turn their mindless slop into glorious prose. (Rest assured, that's not my company slogan.) So I ran an advertisement on Craigslist, emailed the aforementioned posting to Paul and the parents, and received a unanimous thumbs-up. However, my mother apparently took my plan for a side business as a pitiful cry from a suffering pauper who is at the point of licking ...continue reading.

Late Night Goodness

Posted on by lindsay
I was actually told by a fellow 7-Eleven patron that I had to go back and select pork rinds with 'more layers of hot spice'. Because clearly, pork rinds are not an already revolting enough habit.

A room with a view.

Posted on by lindsay
I'm a wee bit bored out of my fucking mind. Frankly, I'm mere moments from leaping through the plate glass window in attempt to fulfill Sinatra's debonair request to "come fly with [him], come fly, let's fly away!"

The weather report, brought to you by Caitlin.

Posted on by lindsay
"What the hell is happening outside? I've seen snow, sleet, rain, and beautiful sunny skies in the past thirty minutes. What's going on? God must be a woman -- men are never this indecisive. Seriously, let's pick some weather and stick with it. I'm glad I don't have [disease name omitted so as not to offend any readers] because I'd probably have bitten off my tongue by now. Ridiculous."