This one’s for you, Mom.

Posted on by lindsay
I'm sorry, but I finished the package of tortellinis today. The entire package. And no, I didn't cook any of them. I ate every last tortellini raw. I know that's disgusting, but I love them uncooked. This got me thinking about the other revolting things I have enjoyed eating. I like litchi nuts out of the can, as well as uncooked baby corns. I also dig bacon bits, but only the "real" kind. When I was little, I would eat Coffeemate (think powdered dairy substitute) and sweetened Lipton's iced tea powder by the spoonful. I would also take packets of Swiss Miss hot chocolate and Reddi Whip whipped cream and eat spoonfuls of them together while hiding behind the couch in the living room. There was one morning when I made pancake mix, and ate the entire bowl of batter. Raw. I also would eat handfuls of instant mashed potato ...continue reading.

Spaghetti Night

Posted on by lindsay
Tonight was the night my little religion class miscreants volunteered at the church's spaghetti dinner. I coerced Paul into stopping by with me so I could show my support and make certain that nobody ended up bathed in chicken cacciatore. Upon arrival, one of the girls informed me that we were "like totally wearing the same jeans! and we both love Coach purses! Oh my god!" Another girl told me that one of the guys in our class was going to ask her out that night, but he was [insert exaggerated eyeroll and gagging gesture here], so she had her friend tell him that she already had a boyfriend. I love eighth grade drama.

My Phone Conversation With Dad

Posted on by lindsay
In reference to Aisha's difficulty with housebreaking: "I'd hate to think you bought an incontinent dog."When I mentioned that I really liked not working, he replied: "Yeah, retirement is good. Retirement is definitely good. But most people wait until they're older."I mentioned that I had wanted to buy a bottle of wine the other day, but had forgotten my license. He asked if I had shown them my tattoo to prove my age, and inquired: "I mean, who would go through the trouble of putting '1984' on their neck if it wasn't the year they were born?"

Luck be my lady tonight.

Posted on by lindsay
I've been having fantastically good luck lately. I know, you'd tend to believe otherwise: after all, I'm unemployed, on anti-depressants, and wearing the same clothes that I've been wearing for the past three days. But for some odd reason, I feel spectacular. It's not just a passing thing either; I've felt great for over a week now. And things have really been going my way: I got free parking at Mason the other day after losing my parking garage ticket, and today I actually got a spot in the first row of the parking lot. This may seem like chump change to those of you unfamiliar with Mason, but let me assure you; generally you need a donkey and a day's supply of water to hike from the parking lot to your class. It doesn't matter where your class is - you could be majoring in asphalt and have class ...continue reading.

This post is not for the faint of heart. Or stomach.

Posted on by lindsay
If you've ever owned dogs, you'll know that when a dog becomes exceptionally hungry, his stomach acids compound and irritate his digestive system, eventually causing him to vomit out unpleasant yellow bile.Stop now if that sentence made you uncomfortable.Kobe has stopped eating his own delicious kibble, and has taken to stealing Aisha's food, which tastes better simply because it has the appeal of not being his own. To prevent this from happening, I feed Aisha only what she can consume in a few minutes, which means that Kobe goes hungry. Refer to the above part regarding hungry dogs.So I'm sitting in bed, typing on my laptop with the dogs sleeping next to me, when Kobe abruptly stands up and begins retching. Being one who wants to protect her down bedspread from nasty stains, I do what any reasonable person would do: I cup my hands and try to catch the ...continue reading.

What Goes Around Will Most Certainly Come Around, So Watch Your Back

Posted on by lindsay
Aisha spent the entire hour from 5:30am until 6:30am today pacing around the bed and crying at the injustice of not being able to get down on the floor to pee, pester Kobe, and chew on everything not nailed down. I remember the nice, peaceful mornings of my life prior to February 11th, when Kobe would climb into bed and burrow under the covers and sleep next to me until my alarm went off. Now Kobe stays firmly on the floor and glowers up at me from his bed, silently begging PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY JUST LET ME RIP THE FUCKING SQUEAKER OUT OF THIS OBNOXIOUS FLUFFY TOY.Out of desperation this morning, I forced Kobe under the covers with me, where we literally hid from Aisha, who was biting and clawing any visible patch of flesh/fur. She cried and pounced and cried and pounced, until ...continue reading.