An Unvarnished Life

Posted on by Lindsay
Somebody close to me questioned my choice to share some of my recent struggles here. This person couldn't understand why I'd want to broadcast this publicly and detract from what could otherwise be a nice image of a successful life. I was also asked if I'd thought about the impact on others in my life, if I'd considered that it might be uncomfortable for them to field questions or comments from concerned family members and friends. To be honest, I was terrified to open up about this to the world. What would it be like if everybody knew about this weakness? What would happen when I applied for a job or a spot on a team and the person evaluating me came across this part of my history? Would they think less of me? Would everybody think less of me? It took a lot of consideration. I wrote the initial ...continue reading.

An unflinching portrait of an eating disorder

Posted on by Lindsay
A while back, I stopped telling you things that were going to make me look bad. I'm a professional cyclist with sponsors on my kit, so it felt like I couldn't, or shouldn't, say things that didn't sound strong, confident, thrilled. Bad race? I'd make the report short and generic. Bad training period? Radio silence. But that makes for a boring blog. I don't like boring. So here is something: I have an eating disorder. I've always had a preoccupation with food. Is this bad thing I'm eating going to make me fatter? Slower? Less good in some way? But I never had the willpower to take it beyond the worrying phase. In fact, I've been famous on my team for eating more than most people. I could really do some serious damage to food. I loved eating, trying interesting or tasty things, going out for dinner or dessert or ...continue reading.

Perspective

Posted on by Lindsay
The Race: Presbyterian Hospital Invitational Criterium The Course: 18 laps of a 1.2-mile 8-corner crit. The Field: 1/2 women [caption id="attachment_4090" align="alignnone" width="614"] Morning openers with the team.[/caption] [caption id="attachment_4095" align="alignnone" width="614"] Tina waiting for her call-up with our director, Iona.[/caption] [caption id="attachment_4097" align="alignnone" width="614"] Waiting to start.[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="384"] Mid-race update from the USA Crits twitter feed, documenting that 'oh shit' moment when we started to chase.[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="614"] Jen getting set up for the finish.[/caption] The crit didn't play out as well as the team had hoped and I wasn't happy with my riding. It was a disappointing race and one we're eager to put behind us as we get ready for our next events. That being said, nothing else I was going to say in this race report matters anymore. My teammates and I got to do what we love - race our bikes, work hard, ...continue reading.

A Musing

Posted on by lindsay
I am eating a bowl of melted cheese held together by pasta. This is two days after I decided to focus on getting more lean and one day after I decided to eliminate starch from my diet. Clearly, both are going well. My phone just alerted me that I am due in another meeting in 15 minutes, the third one of the day. Two meetings ago, I left abruptly at the beginning to get a cup of coffee from the kitchen. I don't drink straight coffee (devout latte addict here), but I needed something to cut through the fog in my head. This coffee was so strong I think somebody forgot to use a filter. I could have used it to burn through sheet metal. That was less than two hours ago and now I'm thinking of going back for more. Today in a nutshell. Things are strange right now. ...continue reading.

This light at the end of the tunnel may or may not be an oncoming train

Posted on by lindsay
I'm afraid of roaches. Terrified, actually. Occasionally I see tiny ones in my condo and that, more than the shoddy construction work or my criminally-active neighbors, is what I dislike most about my home. My nightmares feature roaches at least every other week. I'm afraid of gaining weight. When I eat a cupcake, I hate myself for it and vow to work out extra hard the next day as penance. I do, but then I also eat another cupcake, and that is why I am great at training. I'm afraid of small spaces. The idea of being buried alive is crippling. When I went to get my MRI yesterday, the technician asked if I was claustrophobic. The answer is yes, but I was too high, cranky, and impatient to get it done, so I lied. When she slid me all the way into the narrow tube, I panicked silently under ...continue reading.

Will Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Posted on by lindsay
I am in the hospital. When they pumped in more Dilaudid a few minutes ago, I instantly rocketed back into the upper stratosphere I often visit while dallying with narcotics. My first thought (after GAAAHHHH MY FACE IS MELTING) was that I should ride the Highmobile to Sleepytown, but when closing my eyes resulted in some wicked swoopy feelings and opening them made me think my bed was a jack o' lantern leering in the darkness, I decided it would be a better plan to take to the Internet. So, hi! Also, SO HIGH. Winter training has been going very well. I'm feeling strong on the bike, visiting the gym religiously, eating well, stretching, and doing everything I can to baby my problematic back. Other than some occasional pain, nothing has seemed out of the ordinary or particularly concerning. I wrapped up a rest week on Sunday and started the ...continue reading.