Deeply disturbed by the contents of my subconscious.

Posted on by lindsay
They say your dreams are a mottled compilation of recent thoughts, concerns, and occurrences, which is why my dreams from last night left me wondering just how much of my mind is composed of psychotic matter. Although the sequence of events remains a mystery, I recall that my dreams involved asparagus, rollerblading, my mother, my friend from middle school, bananas, Halloween costumes, police officers, Starbucks, Reston Town Center, student identification cards, Loudoun Wainwright's credit card, three young children, a kidnapping and an assault, a girl who wouldn't give up her seat and therefore prompted me to be an enormous bitch, a collection of wizard hats, a snowstorm, my job as a leasing officer at my apartment complex, and Robin Hood.Even more unsettling is that these things actually formed one coherent story in my mind, although I don't think I'll ever understand how.

To The Occupant Of The Nearby Cubicle

Posted on by lindsay
I’m sorry, but I cannot stand you. Your voice is hideously obnoxious, your stories are terrible and strongly indicative of your trailer park tendencies, and you don’t seem to understand that nobody else in the large office we share wishes to hear your personal phone conversations. Are you under the mistaken impression that the five-foot high walls that surround each of us somehow prevent sound from traveling? Let me be the first to assure you that they do not. I want to personally strangle you with your phone cord whenever you call your daughter “Stinky” and when you coo loudly to the person you refer to as “Boo Boo”. I also feel the need to point out that shouting at your husband for wanting to watch NASCAR all day, and then vehemently complaining to our coworkers that you want to kill him for being so annoying only makes you seem ...continue reading.

Seeking Entertainment In All The Wrong Places

Posted on by lindsay
Passing my time by posting random ads on Craigslist.org (feel free to respond):"I have submitted my resignation to my company and have ten days left at my job. This translates into a complete lack of motivation to do anything other than consume as much free hot chocolate, bagels, candy, staplers, and scotch tape as I possibly can. It’s not that I harbor any ill will towards the company; rather that I just have no incentive to maximize my performance. I know they are not going to promote me or give me a bonus, and I also know that they are unable to fire me until I train my replacement. Thus, I have decided to come in late, take lengthy lunch breaks, rush back to work in order to surf the Internet, and then leave early. It’s a very stressful existence. I might even have to nap under my desk to ...continue reading.

Perfect With A Little Lime and Salt

Posted on by lindsay
On the way back from lunch/a shopping trip at the ABC store, Drew began digging through my bag of purchases."They make a tequila called Montezuma," he marveled, looking at the large bottle. "I can't imagine what that would be like.""I've had it before!" I exclaimed. "It's not bad at all.""Have you heard of Montezuma's other thing?" he asked."Yes, of course. I've had that too."

Humiliation Knows No Limits

Posted on by lindsay
It is absolutely freezing in the building at work today, and a few minutes ago I dragged Caitlin to the company kitchen to watch me make tea in an attempt to ward off hypothermia. A few coworkers were in the kitchen as well, including one young male intern who was microwaving his lunch a few feet from where I was preparing my tea.Lindsay: "I'm FREEZING."Caitlin: "I could microwave you. That might warm you up."Lindsay: "Ohh...the microwave sounds so toasty."[At this point, the intern opened the microwave, extracted a covered plate of food, and removed the lid. I noticed that the lid looked warm and steamy. For some reason, I also could not recall the word "lid".]Lindsay: "Oh! Can I touch your thing?"Silence, followed by explosive laughter from all around. Fatal embarrassment on my part.