Junk Mail Roasting On An Open Fire

Posted on by lindsay
After a stressful day yesterday, the Landlord, Matty, and I gathered around the fireplace to relax and burn the Landlord's piles of old, unopened mail. The fire was a welcome addition to our normally freezing basement, and it was great to sit back and enjoy the night as the fake credit cards, plasticized promotional mailers, and glossy envelope inserts burned brightly. While the peaceful stupor that overcame me may have actually been a reaction to the toxic fumes, I'm not going to complain. I'll take my happiness anyway I can get it.

Headshot

Posted on by lindsay
It actually doesn't look that different in this picture; I think the darkness of my cell office is muting the blonde streaks. If I'm ever let out of my office to experience sunlight, I'll take another picture.

If I’d Dyed My Armhair, They’d Have Noticed

Posted on by lindsay
After three hours of work, three different treatment processes, $140 worth of services (including tip), and $42 worth of new shampoo and conditioner, the best my two male roommates could say is, "Did you get a haircut or something?"And that was after I shouted, "Look at my damn head! SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT."In case you're wondering (and I'm certain the suspense is practically killing you), I went from Marilyn Manson With Carrot Top Roots to My, Doesn't Your Hair Look Naturally Sun-Streaked (If You Live On Mercury). I'll post pictures at some point.

And the iron fist of justice rests again.

Posted on by lindsay
My mother picked me up from work last Friday and drove with me to Philadelphia for the weekend. While we did plan to spend time shopping, bonding, and wandering around the city, my foremost reason for this trip was that silly little trespassing charge I'd mentioned back in October. (Oops.) In order to have that charge dismissed and expunged entirely, I had to attend a three hour behavior class on Saturday morning. The class was more fun than I could ever have imagined. There were probably about two hundred other scholars in attendance, and I believe that at least 80% of them were probably Harvard graduates or at least Yale alums. Most of my classmates seemed to have a minimal understanding of hygiene, as evidenced by the odor in the room that left me wondering if I was at risk for some rare form of lung cancer, but they were ...continue reading.

Dear Coworker,

Posted on by lindsay
I know you told me that I was welcome to eat some of your cookies, but I need to tell you that whenever you leave your office to go to the bathroom or out to lunch, I sneak in and steal large handfuls of them. And then I stuff them in my mouth and go back for more, all while listening carefully for your return. Soon you will have no more cookies left, but if it makes you feel better, I'll probably be more upset than you.Also, that person who ate all of the chocolate out of the communal dish? That was me too. I just thought you ought to know.Sincerely,Poor Hungry Me

Conversation Piece

Posted on by lindsay
Ever since I was little, I have always loved those little conversation heart candies sold around Valentine's Day (ingredients: sugar, chemicals to hold sugar together, chemicals to add color, chemicals to speed tooth decay). I think I am the only person on the planet who can say that I truly enjoy their taste, which is a combination of savory chemicals and sweet chalk, and I look forward to them all year. Yesterday marked my first purchase of conversation hearts in 2007, an occasion that apparently surprised the cashier at CVS, who remarked, "Starting early this year?" I did not bother to explain that if they'd had the Valentine's Day candy on display back in August, I would have started stocking up then.Little has changed about these candies since I started eating them in grade school, with the exception of the phrases written on each heart. My memories of early conversation ...continue reading.