Hollywood Debut

Posted on by lindsay
I came home one night last week to find The Landlord and Matty in the kitchen in various stages of preparing dinner. After my standard warm welcome ("Where the hell have YOU been?"), The Landlord informed me that there would be a crew at our house that Tuesday night to film a television show. Apparently one of The Landlord's friends is an associate producer for a new show on Court TV, and when a house was needed to film a party scene, this friend immediately thought of us. It was exciting news, but I pointed out that we might want to consider doing some cleaning before the crew arrived the next day. My actual wording may have been a bit less delicate ("They're coming here? But this place is a dump!"), because The Landlord instantly became defensive. He looked around the kitchen, objected to my assessment, and then explained that ...continue reading.

I Have Not Died.

Posted on by lindsay
I've finally gotten to the point where my lack of new posts is starting to generate snarky comments, which tells me that something must be done. I was tempted to start this post by saying that I've actually been blogging my fingers off lately, and OH MY GOD why were they not properly published on here? What a catastrophe! But this is not high school anymore, and the whole innocent victim of a system error excuse is neither acceptable nor believable. Not that it was back then, but that never stopped me from using it over and over.But in all seriousness, I haven't been writing lately because there has been a serious dearth of inspiring events. I mean, I have noticed that both Kobe and I have been pooping more frequently, but I was of the opinion that topics like that fell under the category of Things That Should Not ...continue reading.

Notable Things That Have Happened This Week About Which I Have Been Too Lazy To Write

Posted on by lindsay
- There was a television show filmed at my house the other day. I guess I'll write a little more about that when I'm feeling a bit more motivated. So that'll be, like, ten years from now.- My dog threw up on my bed and my carpet while I was at work yesterday. It was that bright yellow bile that is a byproduct of not eating, something that Kobe does on purpose when he is irritated that I have not quit my job to pet him full time.- I have worn the same exact pair of jeans to work every day this week. Nobody has said anything yet; thus, I will wear them tomorrow as well.- My father informed me that my Fredericks of Hollywood catalog was waiting for me at their house. They're those people that sell movie supplies to film crews, right? Because if not, that might be ...continue reading.

Three Minutes To Becoming A Dumber You

Posted on by lindsay
Lindsay: "Your cologne smells like fresh dirt."Coworker: "What?" Sniffs himself.Lindsay: "Dirt. Like, fresh earth. And maybe corn on the cob."Coworker: "It does not!"Lindsay: "Yes, it really does. It's not a bad smell. But it really does smell a lot like an ear of corn that has just had its husks removed."Coworker: "What are you talking about?" Lengthy discussion about corn on the cob ensues. Coworker admits to being unclear as to what constitutes corn on the cob. Discussion ends. "I still don't think it smells anything like corn."Lindsay: "Obviously, you're not well-acquainted with the smell of freshly shucked corn."

Dear Other Coworker,

Posted on by lindsay
We are a small company. There are fewer than ten of us in the office, which means that the addition of my presence last month should have been somewhat noticeable. I see you at least every other day, we've sat in a luncheon together, and been introduced twice. I think you should know who I am.But for some reason, you don't. When you see me around work, you get a blank look on your face, as if I'm perhaps just stopping by to sell something. I get the impression that if we were alone together in the office at night, you'd call security because you thought I was an unauthorized intruder.As a result, I have been drinking the cans of Diet Mountain Dew that you keep in the office refrigerator. I generally prefer my Diet Mountain Dew in bottles because I think it tastes better, but the added sweetness of ...continue reading.