Mortification

Posted on by lindsay
I baked a cake for my father's birthday last week. He loves Devil's Food cake with dark chocolate frosting, but this year I decided to make things a little more interesting. I added all sorts of things into the cake (coffee grounds, espresso, cinnamon, motor oil), and then tried adding three shots of espresso to the frosting before whipping it into a silky consistency. The problem with altering the frosting as I did was that it lost the ability to hold the top and bottom layers of the cake together, and also had some difficulty staying on the sides of the cake. The result was that I had to use uncooked spaghetti noodles to fasten the layers together, and the whole cake had the appearance of a melting pile of dung.This wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that I'd volunteered to bring the cake to our ...continue reading.

Paranoia

Posted on by lindsay
This past Saturday afternoon, a very kind friend sent me to a local spa for a professional massage. The whole experience was incredibly relaxing and enjoyable, save for my ridiculous urge to exclaim, “Don’t break them!” when the woman started to massage my toes. I know it sounds crazy, but whenever somebody rubs my feet, I always feel as if they are moments from snapping one of my toes. This massage, although given by an experienced and gentle woman who could not have been more professional, was no different.I know such a warning is unnecessary, as it is exceptionally unlikely that the masseuse would ever do such a thing. First and foremost, fracturing a client’s bone would probably decrease from the overall enjoyment of the massage, and therefore any reputable masseuse would willingly choose to avoid such an uncomfortable situation. But second, the breaking of an appendage would most certainly ...continue reading.

Expert Advice

Posted on by lindsay
Things have been really busy at work lately. My number of clients has increased exponentially in the past three weeks, and I've gone from spending endless stretches of time dusting the spaces between the keys on my keyboard with my tongue to spending endless stretches of time sighing loudly and declining to take client phone calls because I am too busy dusting the spaces between the keys on my keyboard with my tongue.To be honest, I actually like having a lot of clients to handle. It helps the day pass more quickly, enables me to write and then ignore countless to do lists, and allows me to feel important. But the frightening thing is that the more clients I have, the more people that are relying on me to provide answers to their questions. And the questions. My god, these clients must stay awake all night thinking of questions to ...continue reading.

Considering a haircut.

Posted on by lindsay
I just returned from a particularly disturbing trip to the bathroom, where I was instantly disheartened with one glimpse of my poufy, frizzy hair. "Okay," I moaned to my coworker. "My hair really does need to be addressed.""You know, they make frizz control products," he replied."But they make my hair flat!"A disdainful look followed. "That would be the idea."

48 Hours Of Conversational Gold

Posted on by lindsay
"So do you think that hourly rate is per person, as in 'I'd like to hire three people at that rate to trim my tree?'""No, I think it's more of a 'Here's my tree; trim it.'"***"I accidentally peed on my face. If you need me, I'll be scrubbing my face with bleach."***"Do I look okay?""No, not at all. Your hair is frizzy and you look like you've gained weight."***"Very professional outfit you're wearing today. Do you always dress so haphazardly?"***"Have fun sperm shopping."***"How did the meeting go? Did the Aleve help?""It certainly did. And I didn't even cry or throw up on the client."***"I cut my boyfriend's hair and it looked great. So his roommate, who was always really rude to me, asked if I would cut his hair as well. I happily agreed and then butchered him, blaming the disastrous cut it on his unruly hair. He had to ...continue reading.

In Need of Dust

Posted on by lindsay
When I was in high school, I worked at a small pet store that carried a wide assortment of animals, including the occasional chinchilla. These small squirrel-like animals have delightfully soft fur that feels marvelous if you stuff one under your shirt or down your pants. I'm kidding. In actuality, it probably would be fairly enjoyable, but I've never tried. The inappropriate factor aside, chinchillas have sharp rodent teeth that make nestling one next to tender parts of your anatomy a poor idea.I'm getting off topic.My favorite thing about these chinchillas was that they required regular dust baths. You'd find a dish roughly the size of a dinner plate, fill it with special chinchilla dust, and drop in the little animal. Within a moment, the chinchilla begins to writhe frantically in the dust, flipping and diving until the dust has removed all traces of oil and moisture from its fur. ...continue reading.