Sharing Dirty Personal Secrets

Posted on by lindsay
Today is cleaning day at Haus Hoffmansteingoldberg (aka Home of The Landlord), a day that is more easily recognized by the endless soundtrack of Depeche Mode rather than by the actual appearance of cleaning. I'm not sure what the attraction is to Depeche Mode - don't get me wrong, they're fine, but to listen to them for hours? Any sane person can really only enjoy so much of their own personal Jesus. Evidently, however, that rule does not apply to The Landlord, whose self-proclaimed favorite hobby is cleaning his guns in the dark basement while listening to Depeche Mode on repeat.But watching The Landlord clean reminded me of a memory that I'd suppressed for the past decade, a memory that is so disturbing that it should have remained dormant for all eternity. But now that it's out and swimming through my head, I figured it might as well go on ...continue reading.

And Another!

Posted on by lindsay
After going downstairs to buy a soda, I came back upstairs, bounded out of the elevator, and started at a near run down the hallway. In less than a moment, however, I realized that I'd started running down the wrong direction, which is an easy mistake to make because there are elevators on both sides of the hallway. I swore audibly, turned, and started back the other way, but not before a little old man who was waiting for another elevator saw me, pointed, and laughed. LAUGHED.When I got back into the office, I told my coworker who teases me incessantly that I'd just caught a glimpse of him in fifty years. Naturally, upon hearing the story, he pointed at me and laughed.

Teacher’s Pet

Posted on by lindsay
I had a dream last night that my boss made me a mint chocolate ice cream cake, which she presented to me with a Hershey's chocolate bar and a bag of peanut butter Hershey's kisses.But then I overslept and was forty minutes late to work, which tells me that I probably will not be receiving my cake.

The Scoop on Poop

Posted on by lindsay
Until recently, I was a firm believer in the idea that I was actually doing a service by leaving my dog's droppings where they could fertilize the grass/sidewalk/neighbor's garden. I mean, hasn't anybody ever heard of the circle of life? But after receiving a notice on the door of my house and seeing a new sign posted in my neighborhood warning against not curbing your pet, I have started collecting Kobe's poop in plastic bags on our morning walks.However, I am strongly averse to the idea of wrapping my hand around a fresh pile, plastic bag or not, so I've developed a foolproof system. When Kobe starts squatting and frantically circling, I chase him around with the bag, position it open under his butt, and catch his droppings. Then I simply close up the bag, tie it off, and die of humiliation at the realization that people in their houses ...continue reading.

Have Decided To Stop Being Lazy

Posted on by lindsay
I know I have not been writing on here very often lately, but I just haven't had the motivation, what with work and other things going on in my life. My goal is to make each post something I can reread a year from now without cringing, and I know that if I force out some fluffy crap strictly for the sake of posting, my eyes will bleed when I go back and review what I've written. Therefore, I just wait until the urge moves me, the time presents itself, and the stars align perfectly, and THEN I post.It seems like such a lame excuse to play the Work Is So Hard, Poor Me card, but it really has been a bit of a bitch lately. My boss came to me a few weeks ago and informed me that they were going to hire another person to relieve some of ...continue reading.

Benign Thoughts

Posted on by lindsay
My aunt was diagnosed with cancer last week, and although the overall prognosis is quite good, she still needs to have surgery. That's happening today.I don't know if this is really a subject my family wants posted on the Internet, but I think cancer is something that has touched or will touch everyone at some point in their life, so why not talk about it? I'll be perfectly honest - I'm terrified of cancer. Every single person in my family that I know of has died of cancer. No fiery car wrecks, no sudden strokes, no tropical diseases. Just great big servings of cancer for everyone. I've already put a down payment on my headstone and told them they can go ahead and engrave it with "Here lies Lindsay. She died of cancer."When my mother found out about her sister's cancer, I think it was startling to her for a ...continue reading.