Just your average stabbing story.

Posted on by lindsay
I had a friend meet me at my work last Friday evening so we could get dinner at one of Bethesda's many restaurants. After settling on a sushi place several blocks from my building, we stopped by the parking garage where she'd left her car to add some quarters to the parking meter. On our way out of the garage, we passed a group of teenage boys who offhandedly warned us, "Watch out, that lady is crazy."That lady turned out to be a short, stocky Asian woman wearing a long, flowing skirt and sporting a rather unflattering buzz cut. She was about twenty feet behind the boys, walking towards us and speaking to herself quite loudly in another language, like one of those homeless men who endlessly shout to everybody around that the lord is coming. While I enjoy attracting the attention of mentally unhinged pedestrians as much as the ...continue reading.

Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln, How Did You Like The Opera?

Posted on by lindsay
On Saturday, my friend Bobby and I volunteered with the Make-a-Wish foundation at the Vintage Virginia Wine Festival. My parents have been volunteers with Make-a-Wish for quite some time, and have always enjoyed working at Vintage Virginia. After crying through a particularly sappy episode of Maury where a sobbing teenage girl in a wheelchair had her lifelong wish to meet Bizzy Bone (evidently a rap star of some sort) granted, Bobby and I decided that we too wanted to volunteer. Vintage Virginia seemed like the perfect place to start.In my mind, I pictured handing out wineglasses in a breezy linen tent or pouring wine samples while chatting jovially with wine connoisseurs. In reality, I spent hours standing in the glaring sun checking IDs and wrapping paper bracelets around the sweaty wrists of people entering the festival while Bobby scanned tickets and assisted with the ID checking. I don't think a ...continue reading.

I apologize, but I finally need to write about poop.

Posted on by lindsay
When my best friend Caitlin and I were employed at the same company last summer, she and I were Work Poop Buddies. You can wrinkle your nose or laugh derisively at my immaturity, but you know exactly what I'm talking about - whenever Caitlin or I would have to use the restroom, we would go together. We did this because it created the perfect plausible deniability: if someone else walked in while we were in there together, they would immediately assume that we were not pooping. And why? Because nobody actually poops with another person around. That would be invasive and disgusting.If you think I sound crazy, you're probably a male. Men leap up from their desks, grunt and adjust themselves, grab a newspaper, and shuffle off to the men's room. Then they spend ten to fifteen minutes comfortably relieving themselves, regardless of who comes and goes from the bathroom ...continue reading.

This Little Piggy Got Killed By The Freezer

Posted on by lindsay
I have been feeling very hungry lately, hungry for all sorts of bad things that one is not supposed to eat. These cravings hit by the middle of the day and, as I have been doing a lot more exercising and such lately, I find them difficult to ignore. I mean, it makes sense to indulge, right? After all, I went running yesterday, so if you could just add an extra helping of chocolate sauce and sprinkles, that'd be great. Thanks. And also, please don't forget to deep fry it.Truthfully, I've come to the realization that life is too short to ignore my impulses when it comes to food, especially when I force myself to work out on a regular basis. This means that I treat myself nearly everyday, but in moderation of course. Like the other day, when I was craving candy, I went to 7-Eleven and bought exactly ...continue reading.

Semantics

Posted on by lindsay
"You're quirky.""What do you mean?""You have all these little quirks, like how you call your dog dozens of silly names.""Oh. What are some of my other quirks?""Well, you're really controlling. That's a quirk.""That's not a quirk. That's a trait. Quirks are supposed to be cute, odd little things. You wouldn't say Hitler was quirky because he killed millions of Jews."