Neighbors

Posted on by lindsay
My next door neighbor is a voluptuous twenty-something who is apparently dating the owner of a major, somewhat slimy used car dealership. As such, she has a constant stream of very expensive cars parked in her driveway and drives a very nice sports car herself. This has raised a lot of speculation as to the nature of her relationship - we see a lot of nice cars coming and going, she is frequently home during the day and out at night, and different men or groups of men go into her house at different times. You can form your own opinions, or you can call her at 1-900-BIG-RACK and ask her yourself.Sorry, Mom. By rack, I, of course, am referring to a unit upon which things are stored. My neighbor is a very organized girl who has very visible and large shelving units.Anyway, I've seen this girl in passing roughly ...continue reading.

Snack Attack

Posted on by lindsay
My company recently hired another company to do a bit of subcontracting and that other company responded by sending a large gift basket full of goodies to our office. I'm a hungry person and when I found the basket sitting in the conference room later that morning, I immediately opened every package that looked appealing and ate until I felt ill. That was sometime last week.By today, the basket was still in the conference room but noticeably depleted. I heard it calling my name yet again this afternoon, so I went in and finished one box of English Tea Cookies, one package of Candied Fruit Slices, and one box of Highlights Biscuits with Milk Chocolate and Coconut. These are not labels I recall from when I carefully selected what to eat; they all went by so quickly that I had to do an inventory of all the boxes in my ...continue reading.

Also, ask if they can get me a unicorn.

Posted on by lindsay
I was at Pacific Sunwear the other day trying on a pair of shoes, when I determined that the size nine was too small and the size ten was too big. As I had only requested whole sizes, I called the salesgirl over and asked her to check to see if they had a nine and a half in the back. She disappeared to go look and returned emptyhanded several minutes later. "We don't have any," she explained apologetically, but then agreed to go ask about possible future shipments.A moment later, she came back. "They don't come in half sizes, but I can call another store if you want." Yes, please do. Because maybe the other store will carry the shoes that do not exist.

Road Rage

Posted on by lindsay
I was running late to visit my father for dinner the other night and I needed to stop by the grocery store to buy some corn. On my way there, I was traveling down busy Route 50 when the traffic lights as far as the eye could see turned red. I decided to turn left and cross Route 50 when I had the opportunity, and then complete my trip to the grocery store along the service road that runs parallel to the main road. This would enable me to bypass all of the red lights since I was in a hurry.I was almost there, grocery store nearly in sight, when I came upon a woman in an SUV who was blocking an intersection that I needed to cross. (It's always a woman in an SUV, isn't it?) This particular ray of sunshine had pulled out into the intersection prematurely and ...continue reading.

This Post Is In Poor Taste

Posted on by lindsay
I took my bike in for its initial tuneup last night, part of the standard procedure after buying and breaking in a new bike. The mechanic took it into the shop at the back of the store while I browsed through the bike merchandise, and rolled it back out to me ten minutes later. "Everything looks good," he said, "except your chain was very dry and definitely needed some lubricant." I voiced my surprise, as I thoroughly wash and lubricate my chain every couple of rides. "Well," he replied, "I lube mine up before every ride, but I'm also just very anal."And it was very difficult to take him seriously after that.

Increasing Efficiency Everyday!

Posted on by lindsay
As I was washing my hands in the ladies' room a moment ago, a large woman in brightly-colored cotton pants strolled in. She noticed me standing there, cheerfully chirped hello, and turned into the first stall. Before she'd even begun closing the door, she casually yanked her pants down and turned around to sit. Only after getting settled did she reach over and latch the door (after which she began loudly blowing her nose which, while startling and fairly appalling, was only the icing on the cake).So that settles it. The next time I have to use the bathroom in a hurry, I'm not going to waste any time. I'll pull my pants down before even leaving my office.