Woman, Child Attacked By Fearsome Animal

Posted on by lindsay
As Bobby and I were driving out of our condo complex last night, we heard the shrill screams of a terrified woman. We then saw a woman sprinting across the parking lot towards her building, followed by a child who appeared to be her young son. Chasing after the two of them was a small gray squirrel.A squirrel.I don't know what was more ridiculous; that she was fleeing from an animal that I could easily fight off with two fingers, or that she ran screaming and left her child behind. Not surprisingly, nobody was injured.

Semantics

Posted on by lindsay
"Ugh, my allergies are killing me," I groaned to my coworker. "I feel like my nose is swelling up. Does it look bigger to you?"He looked over at me from the desk across the room."No, not really."Apparently he does not understand that telling me that my nose does not really look bigger means that it at least looks somewhat bigger. By the end of the day, my coworker is probably going to have to move his desk into the hallway to make room in our office for my nose. I'm going to cry into my heap of used tissues.

Amazing Grace

Posted on by lindsay
The condominium complex where I live is very strict about parking, and each resident must have a valid permit displayed in their car to park overnight. When we first moved in, I got the parking permits for Bobby and me, but because I did not have his registration on hand, Bobby only got a temporary permit that expired on March 21st. Also known as last Friday.On Saturday morning, Bobby went out to his car to get a soda (because the man keeps his sodas in the car) only to discover that his car was missing. A call to the resident towing company determined that they were in possession of one Toyota Scion, and that they would remain so until we paid $140 to reclaim the car. All of our pleas for consideration and mercy fell on deaf ears; they towed the car five hours after the permit expired and that ...continue reading.

Things That Go Bump In The Night

Posted on by lindsay
Bobby and I fell asleep on the couch tonight, stretched out in a sleepy pile for several hours after a long day. The house was completely peaceful and then suddenly, out of nowhere, came a fantastically loud crash that jolted us both awake. My first thought was OH MY GOD, THAT SOUNDED EXPENSIVE, followed by my rational assumption that Bobby's shaving mirror had crashed to the floor of the shower, taking with it the metal can of shaving cream. As Bobby had gotten off the couch by that point and headed towards the bathroom - presumably to check out the source of the noise - and as I had not heard any reaction from him, I figured my guess was right.Needless to say, I was completely shocked when I walked into the office/bike room and saw that the floor-to-ceiling bike rack holding both of our mountain bikes had fallen over. ...continue reading.

Cultural Divide

Posted on by lindsay
There is a woman on my patio right now cooing in Spanish about how beautiful and cute Kobe is, while Kobe screams and growls at her from the other side of the glass door. She and the little boy with her cannot see me through the sheet that is doubling as a curtain over the part of the door by the kitchen table, so she probably has no idea I am right inside or that I think she is crazy. If I was a mother with a small child at the zoo, something tells me I would not stand near the glass window of the tiger enclosure if the tiger was clearly very upset by my presence. I also don't think "cute" or "beautiful" would come to mind when the tiger was desperately trying to maul me through the glass. And also? There is a woman on my patio, peering ...continue reading.

Back by popular demand.

Posted on by lindsay
I suppose I owe the people who are kind enough to stop by here some kind of apology for disappearing and not bothering to write for a month. The last time I wrote, it was all, "I hate life! I hate me!" and then I stopped writing entirely and I'm certain more than one person has checked the obituaries for my name since that post. But I'm not dead; just fatally lazy, and now I'm trying to get back on track. In order to do so, I'm going to do another Bringing You Up To Speed On My Exciting Life post, so that when I reference my new pet jellyfish in a subsequent post, you're not completely lost. That was a lie, as I do not own a jellyfish, but the part about the post was not, so sit back, relax, and turn off your computer, because my life is ...continue reading.