A Life of ASAP

Posted on by lindsay
As 2009 drew to a close and my average arrival time at the office crept past 10am (roughly an hour late), I vowed that things would be different after the first of the year. That resolve lasted until approximately 8:55am today, when I chose to spend a few extra minutes rubbing Kobe's belly and drinking my soy latte. It was just such a peaceful morning and the dogs were quiet and snuggly and work seemed distant and boring. The next thing I knew, it was 9:55am and I was cursing the woman in front of me who was cautiously navigating the parking garage at the same speed it would have taken me run while carrying my car. I wanted to kill her or at least flick her off, but the fear that she and I share an employer won. I don't know why I have such issues with time management. ...continue reading.

What An Excellent Year For An Exorcism!

Posted on by lindsay
For the past three years, I have begun each new year with a review of how I did with my previous year's resolutions and a discussion of my new resolutions. That sounds boring, so I'm not going to do it. Instead, I'm going to do a quick recap of the past year in list format, which saves me the time and trouble of developing thoughts and connecting them meaningfully in paragraphs. Also, it's probably less tedious for you to read. Things That Sucked in 2009 1. Grandma died. 2. My fiance left me and moved out. 3. I drowned uncomfortably at a job that tried to eat my favorite coworkers after it had chewed me up and spit me out. 4. Scout went blind in one eye, which now glows radioactively whenever it catches the light. 5. I killed every plant I owned this year (four of them). 6. The military ...continue reading.

Like A Raisin in the Sun

Posted on by lindsay
I went to Sephora the other night to get some moisturizer. I'd been in a few weeks earlier to get a sample to try, since I hadn't used a moisturizer in several years. When I'd  asked for assistance in selecting one, the sales girl demanded to know why I hadn't been moisturizing regularly in the same tone of voice I would use to ask someone why they refused to use toilet paper. Apparently being female and not moisturizing my face every day is unthinkable. I liked the sample I'd gotten during that visit, but wasn't ready to commit to a $40+ tiny bottle of cream, so I went back in and asked for help in choosing another one. This sales woman was less judgmental than the last, and she led me to a dermatologist-created line of products and dispensed a sample for me to take home. I then asked her ...continue reading.

Floored

Posted on by lindsay
One of the biggest downsides of living alone is that I am the only person that does housework. That is generally fine, with the exception of vacuuming. I hate the vacuum. When I was a teenager, one of my chores was to vacuum the house, and I would get so angry at the task that I would tear up in fury and ram the vacuum into the walls. It proved nothing, except maybe that my mom had made a good choice in purchasing a resilient vacuum. Bobby handled the vacuuming of our two-bedroom condo almost exclusively, but since he no longer lives here, he no longer vacuums. Inconsiderate bastard. Anyway, as a result I am forced to either live with tumbleweeds of dog fur and other dirt (gross after a week of accumulation) or pull out the vacuum and take fifteen minutes to clean the floors. I like to wait as ...continue reading.

Unwanted Visitor

Posted on by lindsay
I was eating an apple and surfing the Internet at my desk when I looked down and noticed that the apple stem had a small, white sphere stuck to it with something dark inside. It looked horribly similar to what an insect would climb inside to turn into some other disgusting form of insect. I got up and walked over to another coworker's cubicle, where several people were standing together chatting. They examined the little pod and watched as I pulled it apart with a paper clip. The dark thing inside turned out to be some hard little lump of unidentifiable nothing, leading one woman to say, "You'll be fine. It's probably just some part of nature." Yuck. So is the Ebola virus, but that doesn't mean I want to eat it.