An Unvarnished Life

Posted on by Lindsay
Somebody close to me questioned my choice to share some of my recent struggles here. This person couldn't understand why I'd want to broadcast this publicly and detract from what could otherwise be a nice image of a successful life. I was also asked if I'd thought about the impact on others in my life, if I'd considered that it might be uncomfortable for them to field questions or comments from concerned family members and friends. To be honest, I was terrified to open up about this to the world. What would it be like if everybody knew about this weakness? What would happen when I applied for a job or a spot on a team and the person evaluating me came across this part of my history? Would they think less of me? Would everybody think less of me? It took a lot of consideration. I wrote the initial ...continue reading.

And You Will Know Me By The Trail of Phlegm

Posted on by Lindsay
I came down with a disgusting and crippling cold this past Tuesday. Right after starting the day's ride, I began to feel badly and started coughing up green blobs shortly thereafter. Oh, are you eating? I'm sorry. At least I am not posting pictures. Things went downhill quickly, and I spent the afternoon/evening in bed feeling very sorry for myself. Yesterday wasn't an improvement; I did a short recovery spin on the trainer and otherwise tried to move as little as possible. My nose began running aggressively last night and I went through an entire roll of toilet paper blowing and wiping and sneezing. Despite a hefty dose of NyQuil, a sleeping pill, and a shot of whiskey, I slept like shit and spent the night tossing and turning while surrounded by rolls of toilet paper that kept getting lost in the sheets when I needed them most. I was ...continue reading.

On coming up for air

Posted on by Lindsay
Things have been better lately. You might think I'd have melted down over Thanksgiving, what with it being a holiday focused on food. Sure, there are themes of gratitude and family and sales on off-brand electronics, but all of these are commemorated with eating, which has the potential for disaster when you're a neurotic, anxiety-prone bulimic. (Side note: I LOATHE THAT WORD. It's right up there with "panties" and "Portugal" and "cockroach", the latter of which is so vile I can barely stand to see it in print.) To mitigate the urge to hugely overindulge on Thanksgiving itself, I made and snacked on extra versions of several of my favorite dishes in the preceding days, so when it came time for the big meal itself, I was less inclined to dive face first into all of the food. It was more like going to a strip club where half of ...continue reading.

A Flat Learning Curve

Posted on by Lindsay
I went on a ride today, bonked hard after an hour, continued to extend the ride unnecessarily, and finally limped home like a dying animal. (No, of course I did not have food with me.) Conclusions I drew from this experience: I should eat more in general, because if I am bonking on not-long/not-hard rides, I am not properly fed. (Hooray! I have permission to eat more!) (I will promptly forget this lesson several hours after the ride. As the day progresses, I will revert to thinking the same amount of food that was not enough yesterday will be enough today.) I should bring food on rides so hunger can be addressed before it becomes a serious problem. (I will not do this. If I bring food on the ride, then I'm taking in calories when I prefer to be expending only. Unless the ride is at least 2.5 hours, I'm ...continue reading.

An unflinching portrait of an eating disorder

Posted on by Lindsay
A while back, I stopped telling you things that were going to make me look bad. I'm a professional cyclist with sponsors on my kit, so it felt like I couldn't, or shouldn't, say things that didn't sound strong, confident, thrilled. Bad race? I'd make the report short and generic. Bad training period? Radio silence. But that makes for a boring blog. I don't like boring. So here is something: I have an eating disorder. I've always had a preoccupation with food. Is this bad thing I'm eating going to make me fatter? Slower? Less good in some way? But I never had the willpower to take it beyond the worrying phase. In fact, I've been famous on my team for eating more than most people. I could really do some serious damage to food. I loved eating, trying interesting or tasty things, going out for dinner or dessert or ...continue reading.

This is how I came to be married

Posted on by Lindsay
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to find the love of my life. That's a thing, right? The perfect person with whom everything is natural, effortless, endlessly romantic? I jumped into marriage, chased after fairytales, made mistakes and selfish choices all in the name of finding true love and happiness. Then it came time to grow up. In looking back at my conduct in relationships, I saw the opposite of the famous verse: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I had been impatient and selfish, arrogant and unkind, quick to anger and blame, slow to let go of wrongs. I realized that if I didn't change, no man would ever be the "right" guy. I'd ...continue reading.