A Turning Point.
The $0.30 soda that changed the way I view the government. Finally, I see my tax dollars at work.
I’ve got one for you: WTF?
I had my first two meetings today in my new position as a contract specialist. While I spent the duration of both with a pen poised studiously over my notebook to take diligent notes, I absorbed absolutely nothing and wrote even less. The problem? The meeting was not conducted in a language I understood. I speak excellent English, poor Spanish, and a few words of French and Italian, but I don't speak the language they were using during my meetings, which was Corporate Lingo.Corporate Lingo has three main elements: the acronyms, the catchphrases, and the full name game. I'll start with the acronyms. There were close to thirty acronyms dropped during my meetings, and I understood a grand total of one of them. Every single sentence went something like this: "We need to update the BPAs for the USPTO and the DLA, and talk to the PM about the SEWP ...continue reading.
Charlton Heston would be proud.
Tomorrow is my first day in my new permanent part-time position at the company with Caitlin. I am assisting the new contracts manager, which is a position that will allow me to work in a legal capacity. The best part is that this job will actually require me to have measurable brain activity, and will pay accordingly. And I still get the Laffy Taffy, the hot chocolate, and the coworkers.This new position, however, conflicts with the other opportunity that I was considering for employment. When I went shooting last Thursday night, they offered me a job at the range. Yes, a completely sober and non-mentally-ill person actually asked me to work at an establishment that sells guns and knives. Clearly, I present a deceptively sane facade. What's more, they told me that a perk of the job is that I would get a substantial discount on guns and that I ...continue reading.
Apology for a Redolent Breakfast
I have a confession to make to my fellow officemates: I am the person who is polluting the office with ‘food smell’ at 9:15 in the morning. There was leftover Thai from Wednesday’s lunch in the company fridge, and even though I wasn’t the least bit hungry, it sounded delicious, so I microwaved it and smuggled it to my desk to shovel down in front of my computer. I’m sorry; I know nobody likes the smell of actual food in the morning. The morning should be reserved for the fresh aromas of coffee and bacon and pastries, and here I am, subjecting all of you chicken in red curry. Even more heinous is the fact that this is not a new crime for me. At my former job at the court, I used to heat up and devour leftover Thai or Chinese right when I got to work at 8:00am ...continue reading.
Boss v. Hot Shot: And you thought it was over.
I had a voicemail yesterday from Kelly at the legal temp agency where I am theoretically employed, asking me to call her to discuss a unique opportunity. As I am rather enjoying my current circumstance, I was reticent to return her call, but ultimately decided to at least hear her out.So I called.She could not have possibly been more perky as she explained, "Well, I have an unusual question for you! Sort of an odd situation, actually!"I was picturing a temporary position maybe cleaning terrariums at the National Centipede Museum, or sorting some rich attorney's fingernail clippings.I was wrong."It seems that Nick can't find anyone to take your old position!" She giggled. I did too, as I was genuinely pleased to learn of his difficulty. I pictured messy notes and files piling up on my old desk while Nick paced the office furiously, trying to figure out if he could ...continue reading.
I’m paying them to let me work. It’s just that fun.
Today was the kind of day where you roll down your car window and spit your gum out into the wind, only to have it ricochet and hit you in the face. If you're a cynical, miserable, non-pill-dependent individual, you might be irritated by this, but if you're me, it just seems funny. Monday morning at my job is like that. On a scale of one to three thousand, where three thousand is your dream job, and one is staring at a taupe wall all day, my job is roughly in the neighborhood of a zero. However, it is so menial, so trivial, so dull that it is actually funny and enjoyable. I never have to worry about a surprise meeting, an unexpected deadline, or an annoying phone call: all I have to do is my one, single, solitary task. It's great.You might think I'm being sarcastic. However, there are ...continue reading.