Foolproof Steps For Taking Over Your Company

Posted on by lindsay
It is no secret to those who know me well at work that entire days will go by in which I do little more than forward a single email or look up a small piece of data. It's not that I am completely unmotivated to work; I just don't have anything to do. I was therefore quite surprised when my boss pulled me aside a few weeks ago to tell me that he was bringing in a temp that would report to both of us and help take over some of my work. Needless to say, I was relieved to hear that I would FINALLY have an assistant who could take care of forwarding that one email for me.Fast forward to today.I was sitting in the lunchroom at work this afternoon, reading a book and eating a bag of delicious microwave popcorn. It was about 3:30, and there was absolutely ...continue reading.

Notable Quotes

Posted on by lindsay
Coworker: "I was making sales calls today when I reached a secretary that didn't seem willing to connect me to the person with whom I wished to speak. I decided to lie and tell her that I had just spoken with him yesterday. She then informed me that he was deceased." [Long pause.] "I guess I'll take him out of the database."I rarely see my boss during the workday, and when I do see him, I am almost certainly doing something unprofessional and unproductive (sleeping, giggling, eating, or a combination of all three). Thus, when I saw him leaving the building at around six this evening, I wanted to find some way to get him to notice that I was also just leaving. He, however, got into his car and drove away, completely oblivious to my presence. Caitlin pulled up next to me at the nearest intersection, rolled down her ...continue reading.

Cementing My Professional Image One Mishap At A Time

Posted on by lindsay
Today was an especially long and dull day, and by midafternoon I felt my eyes closing and my head drooping down onto my keyboard. I did a mental inventory of the possible places in the building that I could safely and surreptitiously sleep for twenty minutes, but drew a complete blank. As with any issue that presents itself at work, I immediately ventured to Caitlin's desk.Upon my arrival, she suggested that I try sleeping under her desk while she worked. I know how stupid this sounds now, but at the time it seemed brilliant and cozy. I was exhausted and I had a new tee shirt that had just been Fed-Exed to me by a vendor that was going to make an ideal pillow, so I scrunched up under the desk and crawled beneath her feet. Because of the layout of her cubicle, the position of her chair, and the ...continue reading.

Aisha and the Dingleberry

Posted on by lindsay
Being a lazy, unmotivated individual, I prefer to use speakerphone whenever possible while working, so as to save myself the tremendous effort required to actually hold the receiver. Although my cubicle is in no way private, which allows my coworkers to hear every detail of my conversations, this is generally not problematic as nobody gives a shit about what contract I am modifying or where I am eating lunch.Paul called me this morning, however, and I mistakenly informed him over speakerphone that Aisha had not pooped for me on our morning walk. I then asked if she had at least had one movement when Paul walked her.“Well,” he began clearly and audibly, “she did poop for me. But then she got a hanger-oner, and she started freaking out. She spun around like a ballerina on crack for like two minutes.”I was horrified at the thought that Aisha had been unclean ...continue reading.