Awkward.

Posted on by lindsay
A typical workday is four hundred and eighty minutes long. However, for the sake of being reasonable, we can say that the average window of time during which employees would arrive at work each morning is one hundred and twenty minutes. The wait for an elevator in my building is roughly one minute. That means I have an estimated 0.83% chance of riding the elevator at the same time as one of my bosses in the morning.So with odds like these, can somebody please explain why I repeatedly find myself trapped in the elevator with my boss as I'm coming in late to work? It never happens when I'm on time. It never happens when I'm carrying a stack of important documents. It only happens when I am running at least thirty minutes late and visibly toting my recently purchased Starbucks (although that is actually almost every day of the ...continue reading.

Dear Coworker,

Posted on by lindsay
I know you told me that I was welcome to eat some of your cookies, but I need to tell you that whenever you leave your office to go to the bathroom or out to lunch, I sneak in and steal large handfuls of them. And then I stuff them in my mouth and go back for more, all while listening carefully for your return. Soon you will have no more cookies left, but if it makes you feel better, I'll probably be more upset than you.Also, that person who ate all of the chocolate out of the communal dish? That was me too. I just thought you ought to know.Sincerely,Poor Hungry Me

Not Currently Emanating An Air Of Happiness

Posted on by lindsay
"A testimonial to the success of this system is demonstrated by the positive quarterly reviews of our employees who are not only satisfied with their positions but also consider their fellow workers as friends and each of our employees emanates an air of happiness."This sentence actually appeared in a proposal that was intended for submission to the federal government. It is making my eyes bleed.

Things Not To Say When Your Boss Asks, “Do You Have Enough Work To Keep Yourself Busy?”

Posted on by lindsay
1. No. When you choose to be this bluntly honest, it immediately sends the message that you have been doing nothing AND not taking the initiative to ask for additional work. It also confirms that all of the time spent starting intently at your laptop has, in fact, been used exclusively to stay abreast of celebrity gossip and designer purse trends.2. Yes. When you indicate that you are indeed fully-occupied at all times, it tells your boss that you are incompetent/poor with time management, because she knows exactly how much work you have to do and how long it should take, and that it should not be enough to keep you busy. This is also an outright lie, as 96% of each workday is passed by staying abreast of celebrity gossip and designer purse trends.The best solution is to say exactly what I did, which was absolutely nothing of meaning ...continue reading.

And The Workbound Laughfest Continues…

Posted on by lindsay
My coworker came into my office this afternoon to ask me about my recent request to FedEx something to a client. "What kind of package are you sending," he asked, "an envelope or a small box?""Oh, something large enough to fit you in," I replied breezily."Don't laugh, people have done stranger, and usually come out worse for it."I laughed. "Are you serious? Why would they do that? What happened to them?""Well, I guess they were trying to save on airfare. They ended up severely dehydrated, for one.""Why didn't they think to bring water?""People who FedEx themselves don't really seem like the type to plan ahead."