And You Will Know Me By The Trail of Phlegm

Posted on by Lindsay
I came down with a disgusting and crippling cold this past Tuesday. Right after starting the day's ride, I began to feel badly and started coughing up green blobs shortly thereafter. Oh, are you eating? I'm sorry. At least I am not posting pictures. Things went downhill quickly, and I spent the afternoon/evening in bed feeling very sorry for myself. Yesterday wasn't an improvement; I did a short recovery spin on the trainer and otherwise tried to move as little as possible. My nose began running aggressively last night and I went through an entire roll of toilet paper blowing and wiping and sneezing. Despite a hefty dose of NyQuil, a sleeping pill, and a shot of whiskey, I slept like shit and spent the night tossing and turning while surrounded by rolls of toilet paper that kept getting lost in the sheets when I needed them most. I was ...continue reading.

On coming up for air

Posted on by Lindsay
Things have been better lately. You might think I'd have melted down over Thanksgiving, what with it being a holiday focused on food. Sure, there are themes of gratitude and family and sales on off-brand electronics, but all of these are commemorated with eating, which has the potential for disaster when you're a neurotic, anxiety-prone bulimic. (Side note: I LOATHE THAT WORD. It's right up there with "panties" and "Portugal" and "cockroach", the latter of which is so vile I can barely stand to see it in print.) To mitigate the urge to hugely overindulge on Thanksgiving itself, I made and snacked on extra versions of several of my favorite dishes in the preceding days, so when it came time for the big meal itself, I was less inclined to dive face first into all of the food. It was more like going to a strip club where half of ...continue reading.

In which I revisit milkshakes one last time

Posted on by Lindsay
I don't want to make every post about this eating disorder, but frankly, it's the most interesting thing in my life at the moment and, gravity of the issue aside, it's fertile ground for dark humor. When I'm crying over a pancake or bonking on a recovery spin, it doesn't exactly seem funny, but in retrospect the absurdity is entertaining. In a sense, I'm laughing at me, not with me, but it brings perspective and makes me want to skip the mockery-worthy behavior in the future. Case in point: I rode extra long last Friday, cracked hard from lack of proper food, acknowledged this and vowed to be better, went out that same night for toasted marshmallow milkshakes, panicked, and hurried home to throw up. I know. Terrible thing to do, etc. It was awful in the execution, not least of all because of this:When I throw up, blood vessels ...continue reading.

A Flat Learning Curve

Posted on by Lindsay
I went on a ride today, bonked hard after an hour, continued to extend the ride unnecessarily, and finally limped home like a dying animal. (No, of course I did not have food with me.) Conclusions I drew from this experience: I should eat more in general, because if I am bonking on not-long/not-hard rides, I am not properly fed. (Hooray! I have permission to eat more!) (I will promptly forget this lesson several hours after the ride. As the day progresses, I will revert to thinking the same amount of food that was not enough yesterday will be enough today.) I should bring food on rides so hunger can be addressed before it becomes a serious problem. (I will not do this. If I bring food on the ride, then I'm taking in calories when I prefer to be expending only. Unless the ride is at least 2.5 hours, I'm ...continue reading.

An unflinching portrait of an eating disorder

Posted on by Lindsay
A while back, I stopped telling you things that were going to make me look bad. I'm a professional cyclist with sponsors on my kit, so it felt like I couldn't, or shouldn't, say things that didn't sound strong, confident, thrilled. Bad race? I'd make the report short and generic. Bad training period? Radio silence. But that makes for a boring blog. I don't like boring. So here is something: I have an eating disorder. I've always had a preoccupation with food. Is this bad thing I'm eating going to make me fatter? Slower? Less good in some way? But I never had the willpower to take it beyond the worrying phase. In fact, I've been famous on my team for eating more than most people. I could really do some serious damage to food. I loved eating, trying interesting or tasty things, going out for dinner or dessert or ...continue reading.

In which I finally churn out one last race report

Posted on by Lindsay
The Race: TD Bank Mayor's Cup Criterium The Course: 60 minutes of racing, 0.7 mile laps The Field: Pro Women The Finish: Jen in 5th and the rest of us completely cashed Arriving in Boston (a city I love) after leaving Vegas (a city I do not love) was a huge relief. I'd only been to Boston twice before, both times just for racing, but it's my kind of city and I'd happily move there if not for winter. It was also exciting to deplane and see Andrew, who had left work in DC and flown directly to Boston to spend the weekend with the team. The race was the following afternoon, which gave us just enough time to settle in, get a little sleep, have a dozen cups of coffee, and head out for the race. Since this was almost a month ago, the details are somewhat blurry - I remember feeling ...continue reading.