Somehow I ended up in a cross race

Posted on by Lindsay
You know those nights when you go to bed and nothing happens? You lay there and lay there and eventually start to grow moss but sleep doesn't come. That was me on Saturday night. After several hours of chewing my pillow in exasperation, I resorted to reading until sleep finally came. When my alarm went off at 6am so I could volunteer at the Capital Cross Classic, I had been asleep for less than four hours and woke up ready to punch somebody in the face. My beloved 14-year-old dog was the my first interaction of the day. Okay. No punching. So I got up feeling exhausted and cranky, put on fifteen layers of clothing (how many pairs of leggings equals one pair of actual pants?), and headed to the race. I began my volunteer duties, caught up with friends I hadn't seen in months, and was bordering on hypothermic ...continue reading.

Everything hurts but I am not dying

Posted on by Lindsay
It's been a week and I survived. When everything fell apart, there were honestly moments when I didn't want to survive. I didn't want to have to live with the pain until it finally passed, and felt hugely overwhelmed by the work of dismantling a life on one side of the country and restarting on the other side. The last thing you want to think about when your heart is obliterated and pounding through your veins like broken glass is "I hope there are enough boxes in the building's recycling bin for me to pack up my kitchen." (There was definitely a moment when I climbed halfway into one of those huge rolling dumpsters to grab the last empty box at the bottom. I can laugh about this now.) In the past week, I've ended my life in Seattle and moved-cross country, settled into my room at Chez Bayer, and spent ...continue reading.

On heartbreak and starting over from zero

Posted on by Lindsay
Something about what he said stuck out, like a nubby loose thread on an otherwise tightly knit sweater. I couldn't let it go, poking and fussing at it. I never expected that with a single tug, the entire thing would unravel. A week ago, I was in Korea riding through the mountains. My life had been shifting and changing dramatically for the previous six months, but I loved where it was going. I was in love with a man and his little girl, running the team but stepping away from the obligations of training and racing, planning for grad school and to become a mother. I had finally relaxed my rules enough to start truly living every day. Whatever unknown remained, I knew it was going to be exciting. A week later, I am driving to Virginia to live with my parents. My life is packed into the same car that ...continue reading.

On deciding to retire

Posted on by Lindsay
The first thing I did after deciding to retire was spin for an hour on the trainer. Of course that’s how it would go. I decided to retire; I didn’t stop breathing or being a head case. But I should back up. In early June of 2007, I bought a mountain bike and later that month, I started racing it. By August, I’d decided I wanted to go to the Olympics for cross country racing and by the following December, I was in training. My whole life shifted: my diet became healthier and actually included water, I rode a bike all the time, and every day included some type of cross-training. Sometimes I loved it; others I’d put off training all day and throw tantrums as I dragged myself onto the trainer at 10pm. How I felt about the process was mostly irrelevant – I had a goal and absolute tunnel ...continue reading.

So you want to be a pro cyclist.

Posted on by Lindsay
One of the best things about this past racing season was no longer constantly worrying about signing my next professional contract. When you run your own cycling team, you worry about everything except whether or not you’ll have a job. Jono and I did have a conversation about this few months ago. “You’re hiring me as a rider again,” I said. “You don’t have a choice.” “I could say no, but then you could fire me. And we haven’t talked about whether or not you’re hiring me back as the director.” And so that was settled. After five years of stressing all season about getting a job the following year, it was a relief to let go of that concern and race my bike without thinking about a result on a resume. [Instead I worried constantly about the team getting results to keep the sponsors happy and the team in existence. No pressure.] ...continue reading.

For Helen

Posted on by Lindsay
My friend died today. I knew this was coming - she has been losing a fight with cancer - and I have been waiting for the phone call for several days now. This friend, Helen, is a dear friend of my family and I was expecting (dreading) a call from them back in Virginia to tell me the sad news. Waiting for the phone to ring with bad news is a terrible feeling; yesterday I thought about hiding my phone so I wouldn't have to face it, but that doesn't actually stop life from going forward. Or death. My alarm went off at 6:55am today, slicing through my pitch-black room and sound sleep to wake me up for a 7am work teleconference. I was barely awake as I dialed in and then while waiting for the call to start, Andrew texted: "Hi." I responded, whining immediately about being exhausted and on a call. Andrew ...continue reading.