In which I revisit milkshakes one last time

Posted on by Lindsay
I don't want to make every post about this eating disorder, but frankly, it's the most interesting thing in my life at the moment and, gravity of the issue aside, it's fertile ground for dark humor. When I'm crying over a pancake or bonking on a recovery spin, it doesn't exactly seem funny, but in retrospect the absurdity is entertaining. In a sense, I'm laughing at me, not with me, but it brings perspective and makes me want to skip the mockery-worthy behavior in the future. Case in point: I rode extra long last Friday, cracked hard from lack of proper food, acknowledged this and vowed to be better, went out that same night for toasted marshmallow milkshakes, panicked, and hurried home to throw up. I know. Terrible thing to do, etc. It was awful in the execution, not least of all because of this:When I throw up, blood vessels ...continue reading.

A Flat Learning Curve

Posted on by Lindsay
I went on a ride today, bonked hard after an hour, continued to extend the ride unnecessarily, and finally limped home like a dying animal. (No, of course I did not have food with me.) Conclusions I drew from this experience: I should eat more in general, because if I am bonking on not-long/not-hard rides, I am not properly fed. (Hooray! I have permission to eat more!) (I will promptly forget this lesson several hours after the ride. As the day progresses, I will revert to thinking the same amount of food that was not enough yesterday will be enough today.) I should bring food on rides so hunger can be addressed before it becomes a serious problem. (I will not do this. If I bring food on the ride, then I'm taking in calories when I prefer to be expending only. Unless the ride is at least 2.5 hours, I'm ...continue reading.

An unflinching portrait of an eating disorder

Posted on by Lindsay
A while back, I stopped telling you things that were going to make me look bad. I'm a professional cyclist with sponsors on my kit, so it felt like I couldn't, or shouldn't, say things that didn't sound strong, confident, thrilled. Bad race? I'd make the report short and generic. Bad training period? Radio silence. But that makes for a boring blog. I don't like boring. So here is something: I have an eating disorder. I've always had a preoccupation with food. Is this bad thing I'm eating going to make me fatter? Slower? Less good in some way? But I never had the willpower to take it beyond the worrying phase. In fact, I've been famous on my team for eating more than most people. I could really do some serious damage to food. I loved eating, trying interesting or tasty things, going out for dinner or dessert or ...continue reading.

In which I finally churn out one last race report

Posted on by Lindsay
The Race: TD Bank Mayor's Cup Criterium The Course: 60 minutes of racing, 0.7 mile laps The Field: Pro Women The Finish: Jen in 5th and the rest of us completely cashed Arriving in Boston (a city I love) after leaving Vegas (a city I do not love) was a huge relief. I'd only been to Boston twice before, both times just for racing, but it's my kind of city and I'd happily move there if not for winter. It was also exciting to deplane and see Andrew, who had left work in DC and flown directly to Boston to spend the weekend with the team. The race was the following afternoon, which gave us just enough time to settle in, get a little sleep, have a dozen cups of coffee, and head out for the race. Since this was almost a month ago, the details are somewhat blurry - I remember feeling ...continue reading.

Vegas: A Loathe Story

Posted on by Lindsay
I managed to write some semblance of a report for every race I did this season, so even though this trip happened nearly a month ago, it's at least worth putting up a quick summary. Because it was SO AWESOME and I never want to forget these magic moments. And by that, I mean UGH. The Race: USA Crits Finals at Vegas The Course: The Mandalay parking lot converted into a course resembling an endoplastic reticulum The Field: Pro Women The Finish: Never going to happen Since the expression "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" probably only applies to people who stay up past 11pm and drink something more exciting than $6 lattes during their visit, it doesn't feel like breaching protocol to write a report on my Vegas trip. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="614"] Once upon a time, Whitney, Mary, Tina, and I went to Vegas for Interbike. It was my first time ...continue reading.

This is how I came to be married

Posted on by Lindsay
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to find the love of my life. That's a thing, right? The perfect person with whom everything is natural, effortless, endlessly romantic? I jumped into marriage, chased after fairytales, made mistakes and selfish choices all in the name of finding true love and happiness. Then it came time to grow up. In looking back at my conduct in relationships, I saw the opposite of the famous verse: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I had been impatient and selfish, arrogant and unkind, quick to anger and blame, slow to let go of wrongs. I realized that if I didn't change, no man would ever be the "right" guy. I'd ...continue reading.