The Dirt Field

As I’ve mentioned before, I am employed as a consultant that assists dozens of small companies with government contracts. This means I work with all different types of folks, from the intelligent businessman who markets management consultant services to the shifty salesman who sells colostomy bags and does garbage disposal repairs on the side. Needless to say, the people in the latter category can be somewhat challenging to deal with on a daily basis.

There are a number of clients that annoy me on a small scale, by doing silly things like repeatedly misspelling my name despite the fact that I sign every email with my name spelled correctly. I write “LindsAy” and they respond with “LindsEy”, and I’m unclear as to why they are having such a problem. These people have names like Rephuleges and Sansquate, and I spell them right on a very regular basis. And why? Because it’s just not that difficult.

I also have many clients who do not believe in using punctuation or proper English. I’ll send them an email like the following:

Hello Bob,

In response to your question, you do not need to include information about all the products you are selling in the letter. You only need to include the information that is already in the template.

Thanks,

Lindsay

And I’ll get something like this in response:

DOES SUPPLIER OF GOODS NAME GO IN AS SUPPLIER OR DOES MY NAME. WHO WOULD BE THE POC AND WHO IS THE OFFERER

Do you notice anything missing? You know, like the salutation or the signature? Hell, I’d be happy with a few lowercase letters and maybe some consistent punctuation. The part you’re not seeing is that this writing was also in purple. I took the time away from eating and making personal phone calls to send a nice, professional email in black font and I get a shitty, broken email in purple? PURPLE? Is there ever a time that purple is appropriate for workplace correspondence?

Then there are the clueless individuals who make me want to reach out and impale them with the stilettos I’m shopping for while they’re stuttering their way through our teleconference. One man began our conversation last week with, “Let me start at the beginning and tell you my history.” Say no more, good sir; just give me a moment to Google up some fun gossip to read. I know that sounds unprofessional, but I wasn’t exactly being unreasonable, considering that his story ended with, “and that’s where you come in – I need you to tell me what kind of business I should start.” In other words, this client has paid thousands of dollars for me to help him get a contract selling products/services that don’t actually exist to the Federal government. Gosh! Let’s get started right away!

And people wonder why I have my roommate meet me on the driveway with an open beer when I get home.

I know a lot of these people are small business owners who are busy, stressed, and completely unaware of the government procurement process, but that’s not an excuse for banging out choppy, indecipherable emails that in no way respond to mine. I specifically asked a client today to select ONE type of contract from a list and he sent me an email with the TWO he had chosen. Did I miss something? Does one equal two? Is it really so difficult to take an additional minute to read carefully, think slowly, and type logically? If people can really pull this kind of crap in business, then I’m wasting my time each day. I’ll just start showing up in my pajamas and sending emails written with crayon. And when people seem shocked or confused, I’ll just hold up a sign that says:

And that will explain everything.