I had my first two meetings today in my new position as a contract specialist. While I spent the duration of both with a pen poised studiously over my notebook to take diligent notes, I absorbed absolutely nothing and wrote even less. The problem? The meeting was not conducted in a language I understood. I speak excellent English, poor Spanish, and a few words of French and Italian, but I don’t speak the language they were using during my meetings, which was Corporate Lingo.
Corporate Lingo has three main elements: the acronyms, the catchphrases, and the full name game. I’ll start with the acronyms. There were close to thirty acronyms dropped during my meetings, and I understood a grand total of one of them. Every single sentence went something like this: “We need to update the BPAs for the USPTO and the DLA, and talk to the PM about the SEWP reports.” I lost interest sometime around the first sentence, and only listened well enough for the next hour to list the various acronyms to see how many I could count.
What baffles me the most is why people feel the need to have an acronym for everything. Speakers of Corporate Lingo can’t just say “point of contact” so that everyone understands; they say “POC” and perform an exclusive form of verbal natural selection. I’ve decided that I’m going to stand up during my next meeting and announce “SIHTPAINAHCR”, which is my acronym for Shit, I Have To Pee And I Need A Refill On My Hot Chocolate.
The second part of Corporate Lingo is the almighty catchphrase. Instead of saying, “send me an email and I’ll take care of that problem,” corporate people say, “ping me an email and I’ll take an action and get that moving down the pike.” Ping me? Take an action? Down the pike? Who talks like that? Oh, right, everybody at my company.
Finally, Corporate Lingo utilizes the full name game, where people are constantly referred to by both their first and last names. Nobody is Tom, Sam, or Mary – they are always TomSmith, SamJones, or MaryRoberts. Even if every single participant at the meeting is 100% certain of which person is being discussed, that person is still referred to by their full name, which is said so quickly that one has to wonder if there is even a space between the first and last names.
However, by the end of my second meeting, I was starting to catch on. I waited until my boss was alone in his office and then cornered him, saying enthusiastically, “I just wanted to touch base with you to review our weekly goals for learning the SEWP EMODs. I’ll talk to BobSmith and then shoot you an email on that issue ASAP. I’m confident that if I keep my nose to the grindstone, I’ll be ready to take over the reins on those GWACs by close of business on Friday.” Then I left to go back to my desk and try to figure out what I’d just said. I’m certain he was doing the same.