1. Wait until I’ve finished tossing and turning and am moments from sleep, and then let out an earsplitting yelp. Because really, the only thing that could improve upon the sound was if you were a full-fledged coyote.
2. Attack Kobe while he is sleeping until he heaves himself up onto my bed out of your reach, and then cry and bark because you are now alone on the floor. Try that one more time. I dare you.
3. Drag your claws along the mattress on my side of the bed because you want to be up on the bed. Do it again ONE. MORE. TIME.
4. Gnaw on your foot until the clammy wet spot on the sheet is the size of Africa. After all, sharing my sliver of the bed with two dogs while Shrek luxuriates on his unspoilt half is not already uncomfortable enough.
5. Snore one more time. I’ll smother you with my pillow.