Man, I love MySpace questionnaires.
1. What is your middle name?
Anne. If you spell it without an “e”, I’ll kill you.
2. How big is your room?
If you don’t count the padding on the cell walls, ten by ten.
3. What are you listening to right now?
The dryer.
4. What are the last 4 digits in your phone number?
6727
5. What was the last thing you ate?
Pho. And a gummy bear I found in my pocket.
6. Last person you hugged?
Mommy Dearest. It’s Mother’s Day, after all.
7. Coke or Pepsi?
I’ve sworn off both in favor of strongly diluted Propel Fitness Water and the desire to pee constantly.
8. Have you ever gone fishing?
For compliments, constantly. For fish, occasionally.
9. Favorite sport to watch?
Does shuffleboard count?
10. When did you graduate high school?
June of 2002.
11. Look to your left, what do you see?
Two dogs who appear to be under the impression that my pants are made of beef.
12. Ever cheated on a test or school-work?
A test? No. Never. But I may have copied a chemistry assignment or fifty back in high school. At this point in my life, however, I have yet to encounter an occasion where my inability to describe what happens when you blend Niobium and Tungsten was catastrophic.
13. What’s the strangest place you’ve ever passed out after a night of heavy drinking?
I passed out on my parents’ neighbors’ couch while my dad and his friend drew on me with the chalk from the pool table.
14. Are you a virgin?
Oh, absolutely. I’m saving myself for my third marriage.
15. Eye color?
Blue. And bloodshot. Perpetually. It’s probably from all the drugs. Or my allergies.
16. Hair Color?
When? Today? Light blond on the top, dark blond on the bottom. The sun and I have not yet reached a treaty to stop the constant assaults on my tender locks; the result is a multi-colored mop that defies all attempts at unification of color.
17. Favorite holiday?
Halloween. Although Arbor Day has its crazy moments as well.
18. Favorite season?
Summer for nights, spring for mornings, fall for afternoons, winter for those times that I want to feel suicidally depressed.
19. Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?
Not in the past ten minutes.
20. Last movie you watched?
The Family Stone. I LOVE Rachel McAdams.
21. Ever smoked marijuana?
A time or two.
22. Ever given or recieved oral pleasure?
Oh, heavens no. That’s a sin.
23. What’s your favorite sexual position?
Asleep.
24. Ever masturbated to porno?
I think the better question is do I ever stop?
25. Ever been in a threesome?
If this question refers to a snugglefest with two dogs, then OH BABY, HAVE I EVER.
26. Ever look at yourself in the mirror naked?
See answer to #24.
27. If so what do you tell yourself?
“I’m a little teapot, short and stout…”
28. Last text message you received?
“So…what’s the plan?” That could have the potential for being cool, except that it was from my dad and he was referring to brunch.
29. What books are you reading?
The Holy Bible. It is SUCH a page-turner. That Jesus dude did some pretty whacked-out shit. That trick with the wine at the wedding? Shit, dude, where was he at my last party when we ran out of Merlot?
30. Piercings?
Ears.
31. Favorite Movie?
Depends on my mood. Sometimes I love “Mean Girls”, sometimes I crave “The Ring” or “The Exorcist”, and sometimes I can’t get enough of “Teletubbies The Movie: These Little Guys Make You Want To Kill Yourself”.
32. Favorite basketball team?
Wait, that’s the sport with the little bouncy ball, right?
33. What were you doing before filling this out?
French-braiding my arm hair. When I got bored of even that, I resorted to filling this out.
34. Any pets?
Two dogs. One husband.
35. AIM?
What, do you think I live under a rock? Of course I have AIM.
36. Do you ever ignore phone calls?
Everyone’s but yours. I wouldn’t dare screen your calls.
37. Dogs or cats?
Cats. Roasted with sea salt and rosemary.
38. Favorite Flower?
Tulips. Orchids.
39. Favorite car?
My dream car is one that runs on little sausages. Until that works out, I’ll take an R32 or any number of BMWs.
40. Have you ever loved someone?
Yes.
41. Who would you like to see right now?
Frank Sinatra. Well, pre-death and decay. He might be a little, uh, crusty by now.
42. Can you spell Mississippi?
No. I have absolutely no idea where to begin.
43. How old were you in 1994?
Who cares? Do the math yourself.
44. Do you like to travel by plane?
I prefer to travel by goat.
45. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right-handed.
46. If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
The Galapagos Islands. That, or somewhere with a gigantic trampoline.
47. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Considering that I am now paying a law school to educate me beginning this fall, I would tend to think that I want to be a lawyer.
48. Are you missing someone?
Yes, that little boy I kidnapped last year. Little fucker ran away.
49. Do you have a tattoo?
Three of them, two of which are prison-style. Now THERE’s a bragging right.
50. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
Still? I never did. I hate cartoons. And clowns.
51. Are you hiding something from someone?
If so, would I announce it here?
52. Are you 18?
Why, are there naked pictures below?
53. Are you at work right now?
No.
54. Did you get enough sleep last night?
Definitely not. I was in bed by 5:15am and up at 8:45am. Does that scream well-rested to you?
55. First thing you thought about this morning?
“What do you mean, I have a bug on me? That’s horrifying!”
56. What do you have handy at your bedside?
A cell phone charger and The Picture of Dorian Gray. And a shotgun, for when the dogs get too noisy and restless.
57. What’s your favorite mall?
Darth Maul.
58. Ever had a sex related injury?
Mom, do you remember that time I accidentally severed my pinky finger while “playing Yahtzee”? Well…
59. What makes you unique?
The medication. Definitely the medication.
60. Are you afraid of the dark?
Absolutely petrified. I wet myself the moment the sun sets. That’s especially problematic when I work late.
61. Favorite hangout?
Now that I have that pesky restraining order, I would have to say I’m left with the garden at Oatlands Plantation or the dirt mountain.
62. Four things you can’t live without?
Oxygen, water, food, and conversation hearts.
63. First thing you would buy if given $1000?
A plane ticket to Costa Rica. Or 20,000 gumballs. I can’t decide.
64. Favorite song?
Completely mood dependent.
65. What are you afraid of?
Ending sentences with prepositions. And roaches. I’d rather eat my first-born child than discover a roach on my body.
66. Who in your top 8 does not have you in their top 8?
Good lord, who cares?
67. What are you nicknames?
South Korea Smith, Poopy, Doodles, Pumpkin Pie, Linds, Slut Bucket.
68. What’s you favorite cuisine?
Thai or sushi.
69. Ever farted loudly by accident in public?
By accident, never. On purpose, constantly.
70. Stuck on a deserted island and could bring one thing:
A Tic-Tac. I would hate to be deprived of the one calorie breath mint.
71. Favorite TV commercial?
Previews for that week’s OC. If I was on fire, I would stop trying to work the extinguisher just to watch those thirty second snippets.
72. Who’s your cell phone plan provider?
Are there no better questions to ask at this point?
73. First thing you’ll save in a fire?
The bottle of mayo in the fridge. That way I will still never have to buy another bottle of that disgusting shit, no matter what.
74. Favorite color?
Taupe. Oh GOD I LOVE IT.
75. What are the things you always bring with you?
Chapstick, cell phone, my dignity, and my self-respect. Wait, no, scratch the latter two.
76. What did you want to be when you were a kid?
I told my mom that I wanted to be a waitress or a garbage collector. I had big dreams.
77. What do you usually do when the clock turns 7am?
Cry.
78. The color of your bedsheets?
Deep red.
79. Who do you want to meet?
My baby’s daddy.
80. What kind of romantic are you?
Are there a lot of different kinds? Like what? The cheap romantic? The nice romantic? The abusive romantic?
81. What do you think about before you go to bed?
Why is the damn featherbed so lumpy?
82. What do you look for in a relationship?
An expiration date.