The Dirt Field

I had class tonight for a solid, painful, dragging three hours. This is the second time this week that I have had this class, and both times, I have suffered the embarrassment of having my stomach emit a cacophony of unusual and loud noises. I’m certain you’ve been there at some point; you’re in a meeting or a class and suddenly an ungodly noise issues forth from your torso. You don’t know if anyone else heard, but just to be on the safe side, you turn horribly red, as if to confirm to EVERYONE around you that you were indeed the producer of the noise.

During both of my three hour class sessions, my stomach and I have argued violently. I’m not sure exactly why – the noises sound as if I am moments from dying of starvation, but it could also be a far sinister cause as well, one that I refuse to discuss publicly on the Internet. Suffice to say that despite being well-aware of my inability to smoothly digest popcorn, I have integrated large quantities of popped goodness into my diet this week.

[Aside: I’m unsure of whether it’s the popcorn itself that is hard to stomach, or the fact that I shovel down large handfuls that are only partially masticated before being swallowed to make room for more. Regardless of the cause, popcorn and I should forever be mutually exclusive. With that in mind, I bought a ten-pack of Pop Secret Homestyle microwave popcorn at Wal-Mart today, and only lasted an hour before I succumbed to its siren call.]

So both the other night and tonight, I was sitting with forty other marketing students listening to a lecture when suddenly the silence was rudely punctured by the sound of my stomach MOANING. Not just a cute little grumble that could be dismissed as obvious hunger, but an actual lengthy SHRIEK that caused people near me to look around to see who was eating the baby koala bear. Naturally, I stared straight ahead at the professor and turned absolutely crimson, removing all doubt as to the digester’s identity. I would not be surprised if my classmates started bringing me food just to keep the beast that is my stomach from interrupting the lectures.