The Dirt Field

There is a new administrative assistant/receptionist in my office today. As a rule, I hate new people. Here’s why:

New People = Unfamiliar With Office Procedures + Unable To Assist Me Immediately = Frustrating – My Limited Patience With Incompetence = Large Amount of Suckage.

I’ll simply things for those of you who don’t enjoy lengthy equations:

New People = Suck

I much preferred the brief interval before we had hired New Girl, because that was the time when we were interviewing several candidates each day, and THAT was fun. Each time the office doorbell rang, we’d all peer out of our office doors to scrutinize the arrival, and immediately form rash opinions based strictly on their appearance. Pity the woman who wore slouchy cotton pants and a droopy sweater. She was immediately nicknamed “Schlumpy” and really, can you blame us? It’s an interview, not a mopping convention.

After conducting the initial screening, our two bosses would call us in to the conference room to meet the candidate and ask them questions about their past work experience, their skills, and their goals. While this may seem unusual, we are a very small company and it is essential that we all agree on any new hires. (A lot of people must have been out the day they interviewed me.) It’s a very informal process, but one that allows us plenty of fodder for snarky gossip following the departure of each candidate.

At one point, I had even convinced one of my bosses to let me conduct the initial interview, until my other boss remembered that it was me they were talking about, the same me that had already told a candidate that our coworker’s lice was a serious issue and that I had a hitting problem, at which point she quickly exclaimed, “Umm, NO. LAWSUIT?” Too bad, because I’ll bet my potential interviewee was just dying to tell me about their personal hygiene habits and STD history.

But the endless parade of random people with questionable attire and weak job objective statements has ended, and instead we have New Girl. I was fully in support of hiring New Girl, but that did not in any way mean I was prepared to have her taking up space in the office with her newness. The only wonderful thing is that she has yet to learn that I am technically in no way her superior, so for now, THAT’S RIGHT, I’m in charge. Now go fetch me a paperclip or something.