Eating Disorderly Conduct

I had one slice of apple pie a la mode after dinner and now I’m thinking about putting on my heart rate monitor and jumping on the bed until I burn a slice of pie’s worth of calories.

Jesus, these are some serious issues.

Eating has always been a sensitive subject. I love to eat, and while I have a generally healthy diet, I also have a sweet tooth and the periodic inability to stop putting food in my mouth. Add in all of the training (which increases my appetite enormously) and the pressure to be competitive on the bike (the more I have to carry uphill, the slower I go), and I struggle constantly with my eating. Am I eating enough? Am I eating too much? Am I feeding my muscles or overstuffing my gut? Am I actually hungry or am I just craving? AM I OUT OF MY MIND?

The answer is most certainly yes.

Within an hour of getting an iPhone a few weeks ago, I had found the Fitness Tracker app that allowed me to track every calorie consumed and burned. Fitness Tracker and I went from zero to sixty instantly; within a day, I was logging every nibble, avoiding restaurant food because the nutritional data was harder to find, and working out extra hard just so I would be allowed to eat more calories for that day. On the days where I ate more than the application said was permitted, I was miserable.

Bobby finally asked, “Why are you so mean to yourself?” and it made me want to both laugh and cry because it was so true. I am really mean to my body; every time I eat too much or eat something I shouldn’t, I berate myself until the next workout. It feels like shit and I can’t stop.

Lest you think I’m starving or Karen Carpentering myself into an early grave, I will say that my core diet is both healthy and sufficient to meet my body’s needs. I’m not withering away or skipping meals – I just devote far too much head space and guilt to this topic. I had a wonderful dinner tonight with a dear friend, but because I had an extra piece of bread and a big dessert, I feel like I need to go ride or run or carry around a sack of bricks. Hey! This guilt is a dead weight! Maybe it will burn some calories.

It is very difficult to change my thinking process when it comes to eating. Fitness Tracker and I finally broke up a week ago when Bobby put his foot down (for the third time), and I was willing to concede because the application said there wasn’t enough left in my calorie budget to afford the tacos I wanted. Sadly, dropping that insanity doesn’t seem to have fixed the underlying problem.

My new job may be willing to help in this area. In the words of my new colleague, “I try to get to the gym, but during the week I’m too busy with work and by the weekend I’m just too exhausted. However, I think the stress of this place keeps me thin.”

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August 24th 2010 | Posted in Biking, Bobby, Employment, Life

Delegation

There was an executive board meeting at my office last Friday. Around lunchtime, one of the meeting attendees came out of the conference room and walked the 50 feet it takes to get to my office door. He asked me to ask the receptionist (who sits 200 feet down the hall) to bring the group some forks. 

This man works in our office. He knows the kitchen where the forks are kept is located 40 feet from the conference room. Instead of getting them himself, he preferred to walk further to get to my door to ask me to ask somebody else to come from even farther away to bring him forks.

My surprise was plastered on my face as I echoed, “Forks?”

The man looked annoyed. “Forks. You know. Eating utensils?” He pantomimed eating.

Apparently I give off the impression of being a moron.

“They’re in the kitchen,” I replied pointedly. “Here, I’ll get them for you.” 

“Just have the receptionist do it,” he answered and then disappeared back into the conference room. I brought him the forks myself and struggled deeply to not lick each one first.

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July 20th 2010 | Posted in Employment

Updates that probably warrant their own posts.

1. I am getting married in several months.

2. Evidently, I have anxiety regarding racing that has phobia-like qualities.

3. Despite several recent bouts of nice weather, I cannot bring myself to stop using the trainer for all rides.

4. The mice are still alive. They run on their wheel for approximately 75% of each day. The wheel squeaks loudly 100% of the time that it is in use. I am down to 0.01% of my original desire to own mice.

5. I am leaving my current job this Friday and starting a new one on Monday.

6. For the first time in my life as a dog owner, I wished fiercely that I would come home to a pile of poop on the floor today. No luck.

7. These are my new favorite shoes: http://boutique.vanillabicycles.com/product/the-pit-boot

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March 23rd 2010 | Posted in Biking, Bobby, Employment, Life, The Mice, The Pups

Not the post I planned to write today.

I’m working from home today, because there is snow on the ground and I see no point in wasting excessive amounts of  time inching along with the millions of people in this area who are unable to drive their vehicles in snow. I was chatting with one of my supervisors on instant message about a meeting that was scheduled for today and suddenly he interjects that the other supervisor (aka, the zombie shooter from an earlier, now redacted, post) was informed that her picture was on my site and is now pissed.

I nearly choked on my latte.

For the past four years, this site has been largely anonymous. Sure, you know my name is Lindsay and you know the names of my pets and my close friends, but you don’t know where I work or the names of the people I work with. That’s intentional. I don’t want to share details about other people or companies without their consent. I also don’t want my professional life intersecting with this website when I’m talking about depression, cracking jokes about being a slacker, or sharing anecdotes about poop or chafing. This separation of church and state has been largely successful – this site does not come up if you Google my full name, and only a very small handful of “trusted” coworkers even know this site exists. I say trusted loosely, since one of them thought it would be great to bring this site to the attention of the rest of the department today.

Let it be known now, then, that I would never say anything here to harm my employer in any way. I work for a good, ethical company that is a lot bigger than me and my little life. I would never defame my company or colleagues by name here. But if you shoot zombies in my department, you’re going on my website because, dude, YOU SHOT ZOMBIES AT WORK. The thing that gets me is that I made sure this person’s face was fully hidden and could never be identified, so why all the fuss? An anonymous funny photo where the face is covered sure doesn’t seem like a reason to freak out in my book, especially not a freak out that involves telling our boss before you tell me.

But that’s what happened and now that cat is out of the bag: I have a blog, I talk about being a slacker, and I put up a censored photo of somebody from work without their permission. My first reaction was to pull the site down or start deleting posts, but then I decided not to go there. I don’t want to censor my own personal website, especially when I’m not actually taking anybody or any organization down with me.

And to anyone from my work who is now visiting here for the first time, welcome. Yes, I have trouble arriving on time and yes, I do spend a lot of time on the Internet. But I also do my work well. It may not be my first choice of career, it may not bring me great joy, but I still take pride in doing an excellent job on the things I am asked to do. Name one project that I’ve been assigned to do that I have not completed successfully and I’ll happily show up on time.

Nothing? Great. Thanks. See you when I get there on Monday.

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January 8th 2010 | Posted in Employment, Life

A Life of ASAP

As 2009 drew to a close and my average arrival time at the office crept past 10am (roughly an hour late), I vowed that things would be different after the first of the year. That resolve lasted until approximately 8:55am today, when I chose to spend a few extra minutes rubbing Kobe’s belly and drinking my soy latte. It was just such a peaceful morning and the dogs were quiet and snuggly and work seemed distant and boring. The next thing I knew, it was 9:55am and I was cursing the woman in front of me who was cautiously navigating the parking garage at the same speed it would have taken me run while carrying my car. I wanted to kill her or at least flick her off, but the fear that she and I share an employer won.

I don’t know why I have such issues with time management. It’s been like this for ages, and while several therapists have pointed out that I am completely in control of my life and choices, I feel sort of differently. Take last night for example. I finished my two-hour trainer ride late in the evening and wanted to quickly get showered and ready for bed in order to get a good night’s sleep. Here are the things that were essential to do before going to bed:

1. Drink recovery drink, have snack.
2. Stretch.
3. Shower, brush teeth.
4. Turn off lights, turn on fan, go to sleep.

Here are the things I did:

1. Drank recovery drink, had snack, steamed a cup of milk and sipped slowly.
2. Stretched.
3. Showered, taking the time to shave my legs and also scrub mold off the grout and shower tiles.
4. Flossed and brushed teeth.
5. Sent four emails.
6. Wrote a blog post.
7. Registered for a mountain bike skills camp.
8. Surfed the Internet.
9. Picked lint off the carpet.
10. Started the dishwasher.
11. Set out breakfast for the dogs.
12. Turned off lights, turned on fan, adjusted fan.
13. Went to sleep.

This is how my entire life works. I’m not persistently behind schedule because I’m slow-moving or lazy; rather, I just can’t resist the compulsion to do certain things. That mold in the shower has been growing for longer than some of the hardier redwoods, but last night, I felt an overwhelming desire to scrub it away. So I did. I think the problem is that I am unable to prioritize anything – everything is a requirment of equal importance, which means that on the way to the ER to have my arm re-attached, I might swing by the post office to pick up stamps.

My new therapist is a trip about this whole issue, because while she points out that I am in control and simply choose to do things that delay me, she acknowledges that I thrive on the stress this creates and that perhaps this is a system that works for me. Anybody who says I should stick with my messy, sometimes disasterous status-quo is absolutely worth the co-pay.

In closing, I would like to pre-emptively apologize for being late to any occasion where you and I are scheduled to meet. I mean no disrespect, and you’re welcome to lie about when I’m due to arrive so that I shoot for an earlier time and inevitably end up arriving right when you want me to. I would love to put aside the compulsions to do certain things at certain times, but much like people who feel the need to lick doorknobs or tap their foreheads repeatedly, I just can’t.

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January 4th 2010 | Posted in Employment, Life

What An Excellent Year For An Exorcism!

For the past three years, I have begun each new year with a review of how I did with my previous year’s resolutions and a discussion of my new resolutions. That sounds boring, so I’m not going to do it. Instead, I’m going to do a quick recap of the past year in list format, which saves me the time and trouble of developing thoughts and connecting them meaningfully in paragraphs. Also, it’s probably less tedious for you to read.

Things That Sucked in 2009

1. Grandma died.
2. My fiance left me and moved out.
3. I drowned uncomfortably at a job that tried to eat my favorite coworkers after it had chewed me up and spit me out.
4. Scout went blind in one eye, which now glows radioactively whenever it catches the light.
5. I killed every plant I owned this year (four of them).
6. The military does not want me.
7. I started a new anti-depressant. This could fall under the “Sucked” category, since the reasons for deciding to start medication again were not happy reasons, or it could be considered a “Good” thing, since it’s like a positive step or something. My therapist would probably be peeved to see that I’ve settled on putting it here.
8. I exercised bad judgment. That description will have to suffice.
9. Racing cyclocross became too mentally taxing, so I bailed in early October.
10. Bobby’s contribution to this list: “You left a huge, irreparable stain on the carpet in the spare room.”

Things That Were Good in 2009

1. I paid a lot of money for a free, middle-aged, overweight dog. He turned out to be many different flavors of awesome.
2. The (5) Days of Summer were a lot of memorable fun.
3. My fiance came back (but remains self-demoted to boyfriend status).
4. I was gainfully employed for the majority of the year, while many people were not (or so I read while surfing the Internet all day long at work).
5. My carelessness led to accidentally cashing out my retirement plan early, resulting in a large check appearing in my mailbox. Whoops. And also, score!
6. I folded 1,000 origami paper cranes. I also learned that one can fold just shy of 30 cranes per hour while riding a stationary bike.
7. I only visited the emergency room once.
8. I hosted the first annual Log Posse Weengiving Dinner in November and acquired my first pair of homemade, bejeweled underwear. There’s a story and a post behind all of that, but Hello, Laziness.
9. It was a good racing season. I was the Kenda Cup East Champion for my category, I had a lot of podium finishes, and I completed the Shenandoah Mountain 100 in 11 hours, 11 minutes. And I did all that while only crying before 50% of my events.
10. I discovered that slathering Bag Balm on my saddle region really improves the quality of my life. Or at least the quality of my bag.
11. Nobody else close to me died, I had great times with my friends and family, I didn’t get hit by a bus, it snowed a lot in December, my carbon footprint probably shrank, whatever, so on and so forth.

If I did not include something that you feel was good about my year, I mean no offense. It was undoubtably a wonderful contribution to the parts of 2009 that did not suck, and I just can’t recall it right at this moment. Mom, I am certain you are going to add your own list of positive things to my comments. You go on with your bad self.

In the breaking of the year-end post tradition, I’m also not going to bother doing any New Year’s resolutions. Sure I have goals and shit, but I’m not going to come up with anything specific that will become a to-do list item that stresses me out. This year, I’m just going to do whatever the hell I want and to hell with the rest.

Happy New Year!

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January 4th 2010 | Posted in Biking, Bobby, Employment, Family, Friends, Life, Sadness, The Log Posse, The Pups

Overheard at work:

“This is my roadkill jacket. It’s like a dead skunk glued to my back that I paid a lot of money for.”

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December 11th 2009 | Posted in Employment, Random Things

Save Me From Myself

When I was younger, I always looked at whatever my dad did for work (generally speaking, government proposals, although all I knew at the time was that it involved suits, long hours, and acronyms) and swore that I would never have a job like that. I don’t mean that as any offense to my father – he’s a talented and intelligent guy who has worked hard to provide for our family. But his jobs seemed so dry and corporate, and I vowed I would never go that route with my life.

Fast forward a decade or two, and not only have I become dry and corporate, but I have literally gone into the exact same field. And each day I wake up and I’m like, seriously?! There are a million boring, cubicle-bound careers and I still drifted into the very one I swore to avoid. Drifted is truly the word here, too. It started with a temp job doing data-entry, shifted into part-time work in government contracts, slid into writing one specific type of proposals, and then crash-landed into being a proposal person full-time. I have let this happen over the past three and a half years and now I am 25 and my life is over.

Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic.

But I am at a loss for a plan. I have a lot of half-ideas, but either they’re not practical, they require a lucky break, or they are only on my list because they seem like ‘easy’ answers to the question of what to do with my life.

Ideas That Are On The List:

Writer/columnist
Psychologist or therapist
Copywriter, then eventually a creative director
Emergency room doctor or surgeon
Professional bike racer
Lawyer (specifically a prosecutor)
Officer in the Army or Marines
Food critic (oh, Tom Sietsema, I want to be you)
FBI agent

The plan I am currently using involves going to work each day and hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, I will inherently know to go somewhere else because my life has magically changed overnight and now includes some exciting job in one of the above areas. Unsurprisingly, this plan has not been successful, although that has not stopped me from trying it for several years.

I am nothing if not persistent.

But now I am soliciting advice from the peanut gallery here. I’m guessing most of you have jobs, some of which are probably fulfilling and possibly similar to something on my list. I have a degree in marketing, five years of professional experience, several years of writing experience, and a lot of knowledge about proposals and government contracts. What should I do now?

Thank you.

5 Comments

December 9th 2009 | Posted in Employment

At some point, I’ll actually start writing real posts again.

I work in the South Tower of an office building. A group of coworkers and I were walking to the other tower this afternoon to vote on the new company mascot. “Brrr,” one coworker remarked as we rode up in the elevator. “It’s so cold over here!”

Another woman replied, “That’s because it’s the North Tower.”

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December 4th 2009 | Posted in Employment

Unwanted Visitor

I was eating an apple and surfing the Internet at my desk when I looked down and noticed that the apple stem had a small, white sphere stuck to it with something dark inside. It looked horribly similar to what an insect would climb inside to turn into some other disgusting form of insect.

I got up and walked over to another coworker’s cubicle, where several people were standing together chatting. They examined the little pod and watched as I pulled it apart with a paper clip. The dark thing inside turned out to be some hard little lump of unidentifiable nothing, leading one woman to say, “You’ll be fine. It’s probably just some part of nature.”

Yuck. So is the Ebola virus, but that doesn’t mean I want to eat it.

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December 3rd 2009 | Posted in Employment, Life
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