The Dirt Field

Holy shitballs, I am a hot mess today. I went into the bathroom at the office expecting to see business as usual in the mirror and that my crappy, dragging feeling was all in my head, and instead saw a face that said HEY THERE, HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN DEAD.

I’m not sleep-deprived but I feel exhausted and – here’s the really shocking part – I have no appetite. That’s terrifying for somebody whose entire existence revolves around food, to the point where a stranger talked me into eating an unidentifiable cookie off a tray of unknown age and origin this past Wednesday. Wait. And I haven’t been feeling very well since then…

Honestly, I think it’s fatigue from anxiety about an upcoming event that shall not be named. Suffice it to say that last night, during the entirety of a Chinese dancing performance at the Kennedy Center, my thoughts went something like: dancing…pretty flowers…JEFF CUP!…meditation….pretty costumes…JEFFERSON CUP ROAD RACE….snowflakes…dumplings…JEFFJEFFJEFFCUPCUPPITYCUP. This is absurd. It is a local race, it is just one day, I will race a few dozen times this year, I have trained sufficiently and am riding well. Besides, I should probably not be talking about this where my competition can see before the big day. Nevermind; I am a fortress of confidence. Also, the performance was kind of boring and my mother and I couldn’t stop giggling about the part where the dancers were running around with what looked like lengths of toilet paper. Exhibit #21,434: Why We Should Be Banned From Nice Things.

In an attempt to make today more positive, I followed up on a medical bill that has been plaguing me for months now. The provider kept sending the bill, I kept replying with my insurance information, and they kept sending the bill back (albeit with a reduced amount owed, which motivated me to keep sending it back to them in hopes of an even better offer). The most recent bill came and the part telling me it was past due had been upgraded to appropriately convey the utter urgency of the situation: 

I may have taken some liberties with the duplication of that document, but the ‘seriously’ part was all them. So I called the provider’s office to ask why I owed this money before blindly sending them a check for the $114 requested and the woman explained, “Well, the original charge was for $221 minus your $20 copay, but your insurance company only paid $201, so you owe the balance.” I’m moving slowly today, but not so slowly that $221-$20-$201 equals $114. When I pointed that out, the woman was perplexed (thankfully not by the math, but rather the reason for the bill) and promised to call me back with an answer after she investigated. That was four hours ago, and now my motivation to be positive has dwindled and I am left feeling schlumpy and sleepy and annoyed that I have to vacuum and buy dog food today when all I want to do is BIG FAT NOTHING.

This story has a point, I’m sure of it, I just don’t remember what it was.